dust in the wind…..

Musings from a past life….

Over the past 8 years and after the breakup of my last marriage of 15 years, I have found deeper intimacy and in turn deeper love than I ever thought possible with “solo poly”.

I do not have primaries, nor do I want them. It is useless to me to have some kind of heretical system of who is more important or less important in my life. You know, “just friends” or “a friend” vs “primary” or “beloved”, or “intimate” or whatever label that lets others know status and position as well as confirming (for the ego) status and position.

What I what is what I have-deeply committed, deeply loving, and deeply intimate long term relationships.

What friends and family and dates see are two at ease with each other and loving towards each other. Most frequently that is perceived as “less than” because we fall outside the “norm”. They see “just friends” over beloved or intimates or spouses. We jokingly told family that we were married. But only when we are together. And when we’re not, we’re not. We are at our wits end trying to legitimize and explain the context of our 7 year relationship.

What people don’t see are the difficult, brutally honest, peeling back the layers of ourselves, naked and intimate conversations that need to be had as we work through life and loving and changes in our lives.

We are out of the “norm” because our relationship is based in deep and committed friendship first with everything else second. If true friendship comes first there is nothing greater because we put all the other needy, self serving, ego driven, wanting, expecting, assuming, less compassionate and less understanding hats aside. And I truly think that was my biggest lesson; where there is deep friendship, there is also a deep and committed love. It’s more open-handed and less conditional to me.

And with this I also realized I was not really friends with any of my husbands. We were lovers turned partners turned legal spouses. We were expectations heaped on assumptions of what was supposed to be “normal”. What lacked was the deep and committed friendship part. Those I causally gave up when I got married and (once again) practiced monogamy. What a terrible and hurtful thing to do – willfully abandon deep and loving friendships (with or without sexual/romantic components) for societal norms and the ego of believing that exclusivity in investment would make a true marriage relationship. Ouch. It’s something I am not willing to ever do again.

We are out of the norm because we are free to date whomever we like in whatever way works for us. We are free to choose whatever we need for our happiness, first. We are honest about what we want and what we can give the other. We hare honest about who we see and why,. We are financially independent. We do not and will never (again) live together, lol. We both need plenty of autonomy and alone time. We are not dependent or attached at the hip, but we always have each others backs. There is no relationship escalator and there never has been one with us. Sounds a bit trite, but it is what it is, and we are more than content to just let it be what it needs to be.

What we do, we do extremely well. And that is to love deeply, in every moment. Everything else flows from that no matter how others perceive it.

Until it doesn’t.

Dust in the wind….

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the deepest cut

It’s easier when people die. 

Death is so very rational, so very black and white. Death means we will never see them again, no matter how much our heart hurts over that loss. 

We understand the finality of physical death.

We don’t have to worry about running into them anywhere. Or what will happen if we do. Will they acknowledge us or turn away?  We don’t wonder how they are. We won’t pick up the phone, send a text or email.

But I don’t understand that loss in any rational way when the death of a relationship comes in the form of abandonment. 

It’s just not the same, poof, gone, here one minute gone the next, like death.

When one person walks away without a word, there is just no closure.

It’s the deepest cut.

I will always wonder…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

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disillusioned dreams

in my dream
walking lamp lit streets
i read your name
on every street sign,
see your face reflected
in storefront window panes.
in my dream
your footsteps echo
with mine thru dark alleys.
as i stumble
i feel your hand
guiding me along.
i hear your voice
whispering
encouragement.

in my dream…

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package deal

I’m a package deal.

I come with baggage and ghosts, family and friends.

Good. bad or otherwise, these are relationships that don’t get turned off and on at will for convenience.

When I give my heart, I do it fully. Purposefully. No one can replace another. Or so easily be erased from the fabric of my life….

And knowing them-all of them, having great affection or love in my heart for them, takes nothing from anyone else.

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acceptance

just because I accept something doesn’t mean i have any peace about it.  it only means i’ve acknowledged it’s outside my sphere of influence…..

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leaving some things behind

bdsm….

It’s been almost 3 years since I ventured into my local community.

Learned a lot.  Had a bunch of fantastic experiences. Learned a lot.  Met a bunch of cool folks, and even made good friends along the way.

BUT, I’m done. Done. My fet profile has been mostly off for many months now and I officially deleted it last week.  I am out of the “community”.  I’m not playing as a “bottom” or anything else publicly or privately.  I’m requesting friends and roommates call me by my given name.

It’s a crazy maker for me.  This community is nasty, backstabbing, gossipy, and becoming more and more divisive and drama filled.I see a lot of fucked up, harmful relationships with people who act like they are still in HS.
I’m fucking with my brain chemicals with the subspace yoyo, and it ain’t pretty.
And when it comes right down to it….for most, but not all of the folks I know, bdsm is the ONLY common denominator.  Those few I mesh with best, including my roommates, have much more in common.  You know, they’re people I would do things with or have a conversation with completely outside of bdsm.

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acceptance and understanding

acceptance doesn’t mean I condone how this was handled.

understanding doesn’t take away the hurt in my heart,

I am the last person you ever had to lie to, or manipulate….

 

 

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not easy

Nope.  I’m not easy.  But, I’m not particularly difficult, either.  Complicated? Well….I prefer to think of it as…many faceted.  I’m human, after all.

My love of Black n White notwithstanding…..Few things in life are actually black and white.

Mostly, I live in Kodachrome…

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…..

“If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”
~Bob Marley~

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a microscopic truth

As I peel back the layers I find microscopic truths. My truths…

Intent: Just because I didn’t intend to cause hurt, doesn’t discount anyone else’s perception of their hurt.

Sorry to burst all those Zen bubbles out there….It’s all good theory until we deal with humans and those complex and conflicting emotions.

Good intent doesn’t cut it if we refuse to entertain the consequences of our actions in advance on one hand, but proceed to excuse bad behavior with our “good intent” on the other.

I call bs and a convenient cop-out on this one.

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a microscopic truth

As I peel back the layers I find many microscopic truths. My truths.

Monogamy: Been there, done that and it worked; until it didn’t.

My criteria for practicing monogamy is pretty narrow.  If it weren’t,  I would use some other current and useless nom du jour to describe something that isn’t what I define as monogamy. An open relationship. Swinging. Poly. Or?

When I practice monogamy, I want it all.  I give myself to you on all planes, in all dimensions. And I need that back in return.  It isn’t a one-sided agreement for your convenience, or mine. As matter of fact, monogamy is plenty dammed inconvenient when I’m horny, and you’re away or tired or sick or distracted.

It’s not ok to leave on a business trip, fuck who ever you want and call it, “just sex that doesn’t really mean anything to me, baby”.  I get that men generally seem to have an easier time of disconnecting and performing nameless, faceless sex, and that’s fine.  I’ve done it myself plenty of times.  But ultimately it’s cold and disconnected.  I don’t have that with you, and I don’t want it with anyone else.  Why would I want a bad sexual experience when I can have so much more?  And why would you want that for me except as a way level the playing field without guilt?

Swinging? Or threesomes and more-somes?  Poly-fuckery? If I’m monogamous? Not a chance in hell.  It’s more of the same cold, disconnected ways to get the side dishes and call it something it’s not.   Forget it.  You won’t talk me into it sometime later, either. I won’t become cold and disengaged performing solely for my partners pleasure.

BDSM relationships that involve others? Nope. Too much intimacy would exist outside our relationship.  We share that together, or not at all.

Monogamy works for many, I won’t disagree.  And it doesn’t work for many given the statistics on cheating. I see monogamy in healthy relationships. But I see monogamy as veneer over some pretty unhealthy ones as well.

I don’t give monogamy because I want trust from you.  I give monogamy because I already trust who you are with who I am.

I don’t give monogamy to circumvent the white elephant in the room. If you have an issue with jealously, no amount of “monogamy” will make your jealously disappear.  If I am insecure, no amount of “monogamy” will make that better, either.  Yet, I see this all the time. Monogamy doesn’t suddenly cure those underlying issues.

I’m not ok with sharing sexy emails and pictures with someone else if we are monogamous.

I’m not ok with being romantic with someone else if we are monogamous.

I don’t want anyone to give up friendship. In fact, I encourage deep and loving friendship.  There are a helluva lot of fun and interesting people out there, too. I trust you, remember? But, I need transparency about it.

I also get the need for a sounding board and perspective, but if you are continually talking to someone else about “us” or “our” issues, than likely you’re not taking to me. I require complete and honest communication between us. I don’t want to be the last to know about a problem between us.

I’m totally ok with doing whatever it is you want that fulfills you. Off for a run with an old girlfriend?  Have fun!   Skiing?  Fantastic!  But if you aren’t returning to our bed, you better be sleeping alone and you better not be fucking someone else in theirs.

I wait for you because it’s what I give “us”.  And I do so because I want all my energy to go into “us”.  I want our connection. I want our lust. I want our pent-up desires.  I want my eyes looking into your eyes. I want your lips on my lips. I want your skin on my skin. I want your sweat and tears and yes, your cock. I want your mind. I want your energy melding with mine.  If I have to wait, so do you.  There are no exceptions.  None. Not in Monogamy…

Yes, in monogamy you own me and I own you….completely…

Be careful what you ask for, you might actually have to give it.

Can I give it?  Of course I can. With all my heart and soul.

Been there, done that and it worked; until it didn’t.

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Forever ago

Has it been that long?  Has it really been 6 months since I last opened this door, and walked back into the safety of my space?  Guess I gotta stop back more often…..Feels like home.  *grins*

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hindsight

Well of course hindsight is 20/20.  If foresight was 20/20 instead of our presumptions (or assumptions) we wouldn’t have any lessons to learn now would we? Shees…..No shit, Sherlock….

Wow, what a year.

Here is the thing I came to realize the other day…To see as clear as day. Finally……

He said he wanted us to all get along. To give each other a chance. To really develop friendships. We each used that as a convenient excuse to try to get what we wanted. Worthy of his love and attention.

The simple fact is that even tho each of us had wildly differing reasons for wanting to live together we both had our own fucked up agendas here.

She can say what she likes about wanting to always move down here and how it wasn’t to be with him.  But….

Hers to oust his other friends, fwb’s, fb’s and his second by being more available and closer to him thereby getting more attention and proving she was the one and only one he needed. That didn’t work so well when she discovered that all of these woman were now up close and personal instead of 75 miles away.  She didn’t have to actually interact with them before she moved.

I can say what I like as well about how this would save us money, grow a friendship, have companionship and learn how to serve others. But….

It was to prove a point about how wrong he was about me being jealous of his primary (he was wrong-I’m not jealous), prove I was indeed a good poly partner, and through his primary have a better means of retaining our already tenuous relationship.

For both of us…..well if we lived together and had the biggest, nicest house where everyone was welcome with open arms, wouldn’t that be ever so serving and gracious?  Wouldn’t we both prove how worthy we were to him?  That we could indeed walk the walk?

ugh…….I am disgusted with myself for this charade….

So just how did that work out well for each of us?

 

 

 

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an update

Well, moving tomorrow. It’s definitely been a long ride here. Rather than beat the hell out of a nearly dead horse….

Just know that I am feeling mighty blessed, and very humbled to have such good friends who have, this week, taken care of me in every way. ME. Honestly, some of them I don’t even know all that well.  As a matter of fact, I didn’t really know I had so many who would put together my move when shit hit the fan last week. They planned my move, gathered strong backs, came to help organize and pack, and pack (love those Army wives-they have this DOWN), and bought me lunches this week.

Starting tomorrow I will be living with a wonderful female Dominant friend and play partner, and her wife for HALF of what I am paying here. And laundry. Did I mention I will be doing all the laundry?  LOL.  It’s something she normally pays me to do a few times a month, so that works. It’s more than fair. I don’t have to start paying until August 1 and will have only minor food expenses because they just bought a freezer full of meat. 

it’s a big house (3000+ sq ft.) with a well equipped play space in the basement. GAS stove with built in grill, 2 ovens. OMG I am in heaven.  Neither cook well or even like to so….YIPPEE!!  I have free reign in the kitchen and I won’t mind it a bit.

I’ve been given a really large and sunny bedroom with huge closet, and jack and jill bath. AND an adjoining common room complete with wet bar, wine fridge, glass fronted shelves for my china, and a wall of built in bookcases. HUGE WINDOWS.  I can put my loveseat and recliner in there instead of storage.  I will have room in my bedroom for my antique dining room  table (sans leaves) for computer and sewing.machine.  Half of my stuff goes in storage including my china cabinet. I really don’t mind either. honestly I am tired of looking at it.

I am excited to be somewhere with all women and a predominantly female membered “house”.

HA!  And they are all introverts who LIKE and VALUE “alone time”. 

 

 

 

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85% contained

and mop up operations are underway. Yes there are still plenty hot spots and fire burning in the interior. However barring any really extreme weather that would blow this back up, containment line around the perimeter probably won’t be breached. They expect 100% containment by tomorrow afternoon.

The weather over the past few days has been cooler and we are apparently back into our afternoon thunderstorm storm track with liberal amounts of rain falling over the region for the past two days. Believe it or not 0.3 tenths of an inch of precip is a lot in our high altitude desert environ. Enough but not enough to trigger floods in the Waldo Canyon burn area. That will be a concern for the next 10-15 years.

Some are being allowed back into the area where it’s safe to do so.

They-firefighters, LE, and community volunteers-have done a remarkable job in short order.

 

 

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