Blog decision final…

Ok, since the password protected posts show in my RSS feed, I will make the leap that they will in everyone else’s too.

Yay!  That means I can keep some public as I planned  and some private until I make the decision to show them.  That will happen eventually, but now more than ever I need to simmer  some stuff…

Leave a comment here if you want that password.  I’ll make it easy, I promise. *laughing*

I LOVE this site compared to LiveJournal, Blogger, RedBubble, and all the others…Hands down I think it’s the best.

Gillette, Sorrow, M:e and Shannee….you have mail (another assumption on my part but I am honored having you here with me) *grins*

Oh,  and if any of you cannot “see” the the previous post that is password protected, please let me know.

What I want here

what I originally set out with this blog (in order of course, because I am a Capricorn)

1) a back up for my blog on Adult Fuck Finders and Blogger for documentation of life as I live it…much as my journal is but with slightly less rambling than my morning pages.

2) less censorship with more features and creative options

3) a place to play with words..that is…a place to work through my process and editing.  I need to see *how* my  brain works as a key to understanding where I need to go with it.  How to tap the places I need in there.  Are there patterns in my thought process?  I’m sure there are but I don’t *see* them.  Is that beneficial?   Or do I just need to go with  not having an understanding. What I am hoping is that i can eliminate some steps with that understanding.  I would love to see others do the same…..work through their editing processes and help me work through mine (ulterior motives, lol).  Editing someone else’s work is one thing. Editing our own is another matter.    Participatory for all who want.  Or not. *laughing*

All of that aside, I really *need* to express whatever my heart (or head depending on the day) feels….good, bad or otherwise to come forth. Cathartic at time, but what the fuck ever….

But like others have found over time,  life has a habit of becoming intensely personal in those painful but necessary moments. Raw, sharp, harsh, confused, fearful, whatever that emotion happens to be, as the humans we all are.

I’ve never had huge issues with my blog being public although I have had issues with some readers who read here and make others pay or manipulate them with information gleaned here.  That’s not deterred me for the most part.   But, I’ve noticed over the past 2 months, I taken to briefly posting, pulling and deleting.   Burning bowl posts.   I don’t like doing that.   I want to live better with mine….not toss them away.   And that’s what it feels like.  Getting rid of something instead of learning to observe when they come along and turning them away with intention.  Just my personal philosophy.

And so the point of this long windedness this morning….Gillette asked me how she could still read here and honestly, I just never considered any options last night other than making each post private as need be.

So, not sure what to do.  I don’t want to do a private blog.  That was never my intent with yesterdays decision.   I don’t want to do invitations either.  It seems like a hassle and I have no intention of keeping this a private space as Shannee has done.  It’s a temporary situation for me.

I may do password protected posts and give out that password if anyone wants it….but I have to see if that type post even appears on a reader/feed

Anyone know?

going mia

After today I’ll mostly be publishing here privately.  Yah, I’ve apparently caught that bug too.

There may be some poetry here and there. Or not.  I may uncover a post or two. Or not.

Depends on the moment. It may last some time.  Or not. *shrugs*

It has nothing to do with any one particular person reading here. Although you do know I have objections to those who copy my work and posts here as a method of sending them on to others to”claim” victim status.  She is right though.   She will not be the last.  She isn’t the last right now….so enjoy what’s here now.

After talking to my dear friend Gene a few nights ago I’ve taken some time to sit with what I am feeling instead of trying to push it aside.  To just BE with it. The tears haven’t stopped.

I’m dreaming again.  Every night. Restless and not sleeping but a few hours at a time. Insomniac nights.

I’m writing every day tho.  Good.

For those of you who know me you know how to find me, or know of someone who does.

Enjoy these first two selections from Joni of long ago…for these two very special Men in my life.  Honestly, without their support, guidance and unfaltering Love I don’t know where I would be or what I would be doing right now.

The last one….is for me….it is me….

Gene: If you’re driving into town with a dark cloud above you, Dial in the number who’s bound to love you… *wicked evil grin*

Muse: Want to make you feel better, want to make you feel….*soft smile*  You will someday…

See her and that long lonely stretch of road?  Yah, she is me.  Feel like it always will be that way for me…like it always was…But I’ve never stopped loving you.  Never. Never will. Promise….

Come Away With Me
Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can’t tempt us
With their lies

And I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won’t you try to come?

Come away with me and we’ll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I’ll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I’m safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

Heart Songs

Speak to me your heart

in joy or sadness.

Speak to me your heart

of hopes and fears.

Speak to me your heart,

not in a discordant key

of ambivalence

or uncaring,

but in the tones

of passionate emotion

ringing true.

Speak to me what is real.

Speak to me what is you.

Speak to me your heart songs,

and you will hear mine too…

*for Gene & Scott and our never ending conversation*

…

Thinking last night….late….It’s the 1-3am can’t sleep program again.

I’ve been single 4 years and divorced three.

I’ve had plenty of one night stands, a few FBuddies, a couple FWBenefits.  A lover or two on occasion. Off and on kind of thing…more than FWB.  Less than “boyfriend”.

Looking back at it all, I haven’t *had* a boyfriend since High School…since I was 16.  Jim.  My two oldest children’s Daddy. My first ex-husband.

No, not one…

I just want someone to talk to, someone walk with, someone to hold my hand, someone plan stuff with and do stuff with even if it doesn’t ever work out in the long term as my holding hands forever, best friend and 10 cow guy.

I just want to love someone…be with someone like that…not just sex.  Intimacy.  Aand be loved that way in return…I need some sweetness….some tenderness…someone else to look forward to…someone who thinks I’m special enough…because I’m worth it…

Because I am….

Tired

I’m so tired.  So very tired of living this thing called life right now…and it hasn’t been near as hard as it has been in the past.

It’s been more than a few times over the past 7 months I have come close to leaving.  Packing and leaving like a ship in the night.   I thought of it early November, Thanksgiving Day and again this weekend.  Just go and get on with”it”, whatever “it” is, in whatever way I can.

I don’t see myself as a quitter because I’m not and never have been.  Even if I have stalled myself quite effectively the past few months with insecurity and mounting fear spiraling out of control.

Boy that’s quite the dilemma now isn’t it? Being tired of living, wanting to cut and run, and not being a quitter. Hmmmm……

It’s never been my style to run.   But it’s more my style meet problems head on, give myself a few head lumps in the process, shove someone who is in the way on their ass, but ultimately solve whatever needs to be solved, and then move it along whether I had any support for what I was doing, or not.   I ran away to Hawaii needing space and something different.  Hey, it was midlife crisis and I was going to have it my way, lol.     But I think this “approach” is partially due to my impatient Capricorn nature and partially because I just don’t particularly like “stalled”.  Maybe they are one in the same. Don’t know.

I promised myself a few years ago I would *never* run again,  not from me and not from him or whatever he needed to say to me.    We had had a fight over something inappropriate I said in a playground.  When he called me on it….I hesitated, ran, hesitated, ran, and then came back willing to hear him out and trusting it would be okay…somehow.

Trusting it is okay.

And if I do that, trust it is okay, will be okay…that our friendship stands the test of time because really there is a deep love involved for the both of us….then how can I just disappear?   I cannot just leave without so much as a  hug.   I think he would be hurt beyond measure.  I would be….That’s unreasonable and unacceptable…..And I won’t break my promise…..