Tears of Rage

Pre-meditation daze before I knew I was not crazy. I find interesting my choice of words knowing virtually nothing of meditation techniques, or BEing, or disconnecting…..At the time I wrote this I was enrolled in the class and was due to start in a month….

Why is it so natural to feel confident in life; as a parent, in my job, and in friendship?
I rely on my ability to figure it out, do what needs doing. Not question.

Why is it so natural to feel weak, vulnerable, and ultimately insecure in every relationship? 2nd guessing.

Why can’t I seem to apply those skills, that knowledge and ability to love?

I’ve reached as far as I can inside of me and it’s just not there. It’s not there today, it wasn’t there yesterday. Or last month, or last year. The future? How can I see it there?

Have I learned nothing in three marriages?
Have I learned nothing from the many lovers?
What is it that I think I want and crave?
What is it I look for and cannot have?
Is it only that connection with another?
Is there more?
Am I too focused on the “other”? The “others” needs.
Too loving and giving?
So much so that I forget myself in the process?
How do I know when it’s good and healthy and right and real?
And not some contrived fantasy?
And that I won’t wake up and have it be a dream or worse, another lie?

Why do I always feel the need to search for answers?

I am angry/enraged/frustrated/confused about my indecision. My inability. My not knowing. My emotions and intuition betray me. Disconnect.

My head hurts. Cannot seem to find that safe space. My space for BEing. My nothingness. Alone in it. It’s a constant white noise in my head. On top of my thoughts. Can’t tune it out. Interference. Disconnect.

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