Gotcha Back, Honey

My folks celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary a few weeks ago. I just don’t know how they do it, but they do. I found this in my mailbox this morning.

Your father sent this to me. He says # 1 applies to me. I told him he should review, then memorize, numbers 12, 16, 18 & 21. Love, Mom

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

She really kills me sometimes.

Now get this, he SENT it to her. On e-mail. They live in the SAME house. Their computers are in the SAME ROOM a few feet from each other. He’s messing with her. I know it. But he really ought to know better by now because payback is an art form with my mother.

4 years ago…
She got really tired of hearing him bitch for weeks about having to take her for a mammogram, and how having her boobs being squished on cold metal wasn’t all that painful.

So after they got home from her mammogram, she told him she needed to change into something more comfortable because she was sore from the procedure. And came out of the bedroom sans shirt. Asked him if he liked what else they did for her at the hospital. Well, the nipple jewelry must have been realistic looking because he thought she really had her nipples pierced.

I really didn’t need that visual, Mom. I can’t believe you are telling me this…

You gotta admit, the whole idea is pretty funny. These are my parents. I was laughing hard by then. And as silently as I could because we were in the local Community Center at the Senior breakfast. My Dad wasn’t that far away chasing down more pancakes.

So she tells me very smugly how he is such a dimwit to even think the hospital would pierce her nipples. His reaction…

“You’re FUCKING trying to kill me. I know it. You’re TRYING to give me a FUCKING heart attack.

It took him three days to get over it? So where did you get them? Online? ONLINE???

She ignored me and continued to tell me how she e-mailed all the other female relatives in the family about the whole thing. His sisters, her cousins, my great aunts. And she let him know she did.

Ohhh, that’s so harsh, Mom. What did Aunt Edith say? She fell off the couch because she was laughing so hard?

Then she told me (without batting an eye) that I could borrow hers if I ever wanted to get back at him (my current husband). She was being funny. I think. I never answered the question. I just couldn’t.

Should I actually tell her my nipples are already pierced? Nah, better not. She’ll tell everyone in the family just to get me back. ONLINE? WTF? Where online? Where the hell did she get that idea? What else are you looking at online? My mother surfs PORN online? She’s messin’ with me. I know it…

Yep, my Dad should really know better by now. After all, she took the snake she bought here one year on a plane back to NJ with no one knowing. And then scared the hell out him with it on the NJ Turnpike (but that’s another story).

No, she has no evil twin. She is the evil twin. All the time…

Guess they have things worked out between them after all these years. Gotta love ‘em.

This entry was posted in Relationships, Warm, Warm; Joy Joy: Talk Story and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.


Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s