INfatuation, IN Lust & IN Love

What’s love got to do, got to do with it
What’s love but a second hand emotion
What’s love got to do, got to do with it
Tina Turner

As I sip the last of a beautiful Colorado brewed Peach and Honey Mead, I sort through another recent conversation about Love and being In Love.

What exactly is being In Love?

Well, I know this much…InFatuation and In Lust are a smell me, fuck me, lick me, suck me, puppy dog, tongue hanging out, follow you anywhere, do anything for you in hopes of…more. More what? Well, more of whatever it is we think we want, crave, and desire. Eyes Closed.

We willfully and wantonly pursue powerful chemicals cursing through our system. We immerse ourselves in The Other, in their likes, their dislikes, their interests, their hobbies, their philosophies and their friends with the hope of giving enough to receive some sort of pleasure in return. We float along, believing all is worth our efforts. We blindly submit as we perceive those feelings of ecstasy as being In Love and as Love. Eyes closed.

I’ve found through too many failed marriages and countless times of believing I was In Love that I substituted In Lust and InFatuation for Love. I gave all of myself to The Other. Neglecting cherished friends The Other did not particularly get along with, abandoning some for the jealous monster and The Other’s control issues, giving up my hobbies, likes, interests, most of my goals and even fundamental beliefs. And I believed…Yep, Better Living Through Wearing Chemical Blinders. Eyes Closed.

Lust? Sure. I lust after all my closest male friends in some way. All have been physical, emotional, intellectual and/or spiritual lovers. But lust all the time? No, not at all. What does exist is a deep caring and desire to sexually please them above and beyond the simple pleasure and release of hedonistic sex.

After a particularly mind blowing, orally derived orgasm, he managed (between gasping for breath) to spit out, “OHHHHHHH! Awesome! OHHH! Fuck ME!! Now that’s skill!!!” Yes Darlin’, Fuck You indeed. That was the point. But I was startled (ok, ok flattered as well) by the reaction. And I’m still chuckling…No, not skill in any way.

In all seriousness, it’s taking the time to know his desire, truly appreciating his body, and delighting in his total male-ness is where I willingly submit for the pleasure it gives both of us. It’s caring and sharing, trust and respect, honesty and intimacy, and total acceptance without expectations of something in return. I may desire it, but I don’t expect it or always necessarily need it. I know from direct experience it just would not be that good or even possible without those deeper feelings–beyond Lust. Eyes Open.

InFatuation? Ok, I have been totally smitten with some. Those have never worked for me. It’s the deep and understanding friendship which creates the sincere, and not desperately created interest in their life; their likes, dislikes, their friends, and hobbies (even if it is football or golf or poker where I really don’t understand the attraction). It is ultimately more meaningful and joyful than that giddy, puppy dog feeling we call being In Love. Support for The Other’s interests, hobbies and goals is healthy. Sharing some of them is healthy. Immersing oneself to the point of giving up heart and soul is not–beyond InFatuation. Eyes Open.

Too often we are In Love with the idea of being In Love. Tired of our present life, struggling to get out of a rut or a bad relationship, we strive to find or create something different, new, and exciting for ourselves. We know what hasn’t worked in the past even if we were the one who solidly rejected any potential laid out before us. We blind ourselves to possibilities when we don’t feel that overpowering chemical reaction, and we are equally blind when we do. So at all cost we must do something/anything totally different. We substitute Ourselves for Theirs in our desperation to be desired/wanted/loved. All well and good. We all want. We all desire love and acceptance. But we need to do it without making sacrifices in our basic nature, interests, beliefs and philosophy about life. Or attempting to give The Other what they need because it’s easier than working through a difference of opinion, and accepting a large difference in a basic belief of what is right for us. We try to force what we need and believe on The Other. And we hope beyond all hope they will change. And that we can change for them. I’ve done it all the time. Eyes Closed.

So how much InFatuation and In Lust are a necessay and healthy part of being In Love or of Love? InFatuation and In Lust are very minimal components of the Love I feel for those close male friends and lovers. The Love is shared and not one sided. It is strong, always present, and deeper than a fleeting chemical reaction. It’s a knowing in and of one and another’s soul. Basic to the core. Humbling to be with. It is total acceptance for that whole person with Eyes Open.

Yes, the second hand emotions are the InFatuation and the In Lust we define as being In Love, and we too readily substitute those for Love itself…

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