We talked about my date who is married but bailed because of some last minute changes….these conversations always seem to morph into something completely different….
guess I still have some issues with being comfortable in it all.
I rarely copy and past chat conversation…but this…well I need to examine it more closely.
What is it really…finely veiled jealousy?? Not sure. Perhaps it’s nothing more than perceived “position” in non monogamous relationships. No matter if we have that spot 100% od the time…we perceive our cup of intimacy as full or needing more. It’s the perception of needing more and how much we really need that throws us.
I may add to this as I think more on it…..but below is the text
Him: But attached and lyin right? Not judging just sayin…
Me: Yep. No judgment….but I already know I don’t get what I need from married or attached men. Period. And that’s ok too as long as I remember that fact when I want to get some and they can’t. So really, it’s all about my pussy with him and that’s fine. As long as I can digest it….friends out of it is nice too.
Him: Karma factor?
Me: Not sure. It’s not my lie. And that is the dilemma isn’t it? But we all do it, right? I mean…it’s called sins of omission….not ‘pushing’ the issue in someones face? Like you not telling C we sleep together, like me not telling a guy we sleep together, and like S not telling B he and I sleep together.
Me: how much is my karma how much is his? And how much do we force down another’s throat in the interest of honesty?
Him: beats me, lol
Me: In this case he can know everything….simply because he is married. There is nothing to ‘loose’ and that’s key…when we think we have something to loose out of it.
Him: Exactly. You do what works in the moment and it comes out like it comes out – that simple
Me: well yes…the downside is that it works better with honest communication and acceptance without sacrifice of who we are, who they are, and what they/we want. What bums me about it sometimes…not all the time tho….I have to guard the lie too. And that’s ok most of the time…I won’t betray anyone. But it puts a damper on where we are and how we enjoying each other. I love PDA…So it turns into worry about…will B see us holding hands someplace? Will C see us somewhere being ‘familiar’…will someone drive by somewhere and see us kissing?. That’s the bummer. Because it prevents us from being with each other at times. Most of the time I’m good with it because “feeding” a relationship takes many forms. Big and small…Not “one” thing…
Me: Well I’m being philosophical tonight……lonely I guess.
Me: Like I said yesterday….when S and I are together-we are together…as it should be. When he and B are together-they are together…I don’t purposefully call to infringe on “their” time. It’s why I didn’t want to meet you and C at the restaurant to hand off house keys. It’s what keeps us from crawling over each other for time and attention. We always want to be #1 in that moment when we are with a guy…not talking about taking the “romance” hat off and putting the ‘friend” hat on to discuss a personal issue with another. We operate in lots of modes….Parent mode, roommate mode, friend mode, romance mode. But that intimacy is important….it’s the “food” or returning eggs to the basket that keeps jealously and possessiveness nil. I guess there is a bit of ?? ‘resentment’ ?? and ?? ‘frustration’ ?? in there to be totally honest… I want to feel that your or S’s relationship with anyone else, has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with me and the time we spend together. Simple. Easy. Joyful. No worries. No hiding.