Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

My blog buddy Shannee addressed these in her blog the other day. *sighs* This resonated so strongly with me, I found myself weeping.
It’s time to look at this as well….to move forward.

* Where do I feel I’ve betrayed my own ideals?

Letting myself fall in love with two men who are very clear they are not emotionally available in a way I need or can have from them, despite their love, genuine affection and care for me. Hiding my feelings from them as to not be annoying and consequently be pushed away….which points to trying to be what they want instead of being myself. Which in turn begs the question of *why* I think I need to be something I’m not to their attention/affection/love.

* What am I feeling really spectacular about in my life?

Being happy most of the time even if I *appear* to be struggling emotionally and spiritually. Even i I’m not smiling all the time.
Allowing myself to *feel* even if I (or others) label those feelings as “negative”.
Being loving and kind to the best of my ability even if the best of my ability varies day by day.
That I can afford to stay in this apartment after my roommate leaves Monday.
Knowing that I’ll always be ok even in my fears.
Knowing that I am Loved.

* What’s feeling really happy in my body?

My legs. I’ve been hiking more for work…over hill and dale…I can feel positive changes in my legs and ass. More strength. I started running with my roommate a few weeks ago but I hold him back. He runs and I catch up. Not productive for him. But I haven’t continued like I was because I hate going alone so much. I need to get over that and just do it. Even if I suck at it and have so little endurance right now. Chop wood, carry water….
My breasts are happy. LOL. No, really. They are.

* Where and in what ways am I holding pain?

My shoulders and my neck on the right side. I’ve was told this indicates I am actively shielding parts of myself from public view….forcing my masculine side outward in a effort to “protect” myself. I get this. I operate on lots of bravado. If anyone has another theory…feel free.
I also hold pain in my sexuality. In my pussy. That I have trouble letting go…afraid to experience that again intimacy…it’s always failed me before.

* What don’t I feel good about-patterns, self destructiveness, shame…etc?

I have a great deal of shame over not being able to let go sexually with my lovers…afraid to experience that intimacy again because it’s failed me so many times. It has become a self destructive pattern of holding myself back with the mistaken belief that no matter what…I will never be “good” enough.
I have some shame about my body. About not feeling attractive enough. *sighs* Not all the time but enough of the time.
I have shame over feeling weak because I don’t exercise enough.
I have shame over feeling emotionally weak and weepy these days.

* In what areas have others betrayed me?

I feel betrayed when others are not honest with me. When they couch terms or omit information. Even though I understand they too desire not to hurt my feelings. And also, not sharing information just because I ask is about their need for privacy than it is about me. It’s critically important for me to cultivate trust and the same total acceptance they have for me….for them to always know that I won’t desert them by withdrawing with my love or friendship no matter what passes between us. Even knowing all this…it still *feels* like betrayal.

* How have I hurt others?

I hurt others with my expectations and assumptions- allowing others to see my personal disappointment. Because of this I really think I give the *impression* no one can do right for me. That they are not doing enough. This isn’t true in the least. Whatever others *choose* to do for me is enough. I’m never disappointed with them, rather I am disappointed with the situation I falsely created in my head about how I *want* it to be..or how I thought it would be.
I do not express my gratitude to them often enough.
I am not soft and understanding enough with them.

* What am I ready to do about it?
I need to think before I open my mouth. To not be re-actionary towards others and situations before me.

* How is my relationship with the Divine/Universe?

I don’t practice my meditation often enough. So consequently I am not feeling as centered as I need to be.

* What do I want to cultivate in my life?

Accomplishment. Love. Abundance. Love. Smiles. Love. Laughter. Love. Acceptance. Love.

* What are my current goals?
I want to learn to fly the glider I was in a few weeks ago. There are many. They need to be addressed separately.

* What am I doing right?
I am learning much myself and my relationships with others.
I am practicing being loving and kind and understanding.

* What am I thankful for?

Family.
Friends – Gene, Scott, Jay, Terry, Joe, Linda, Mead, Nan…longtime friends, confidants and mentors.
My blogging cyberfriends.
My health.
My mind.
Being able to Love.

* Is there anything I’d do over different?

No. That implies regrets. I have only two from a very long time ago. That’s enough.
I really believe that what I am doing… the decisions I make are the right ones for me in this moment….for whatever reason….it is the way it’s supposed to be right now. Learning is everything.

* What do I need to forgive myself for?
For not being perfect. For being me.

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5 Responses to Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

  1. Well…why not start such a discussion about elements…and hard on self on sandlewood? I’d be pretty happy to chatter about that. And I’m sure enjoying your thoughts about how you are hard on your art…Lots there.

    Oh! And I read a great post on this last topic on Adrienne’s blog:

    http://tellmewhatanotheris.blogspot.com/2009/02/gollum-of-my-unworthiness.html

    Like

  2. longhairedwoman says:

    Heh, at least you made the effort to sort through them and give them voice. Without that, it’s just a great big blob of ‘whatafuckupiam.” Be kind to yourself.

    Chick, it is so good to see you here, and find you have come over to the dark side!!

    Yeah, I try not to do self depreciating shit like this too often.
    But every now and then….well it helps to purge to move forward.

    Hey…I finally got the apt. all girlied up, lol.

    Like

  3. I think we can both use some study on the Beloved. Oooh! You should go to little seeds and do a search for ‘ideal being’ and for ‘beloved’. I wrote some stuff on this Beloved thing there, including a meditation.Maybe you’ll find something helpful. Maybe not. But we can also do some chatter about being hard on ourselves on sandlewood if you want to do a post there about it. ((hugs))

    I think you are right. I spent some time searching Little Seeds and reading there. Some of it resonates…especially the posts on the Elements. There are those that are consistently strong (Earth and Water) in me…the others seem frightening (Fire) and ephemeral (Air and Ether).

    I would like to have a discussion on how and why we are so very hard on ourselves tho.

    ((hugs))

    Like

  4. S says:

    Ah, self examination. The process in which a truly outstanding person puts themselves through from time to time in order to become more at peace with themselves. Bravo, C.

    Scary at the same time, because now I gotta do it too.

    Stay positive. The world is as enjoyable as you allow it to be. It is also as miserable as you allow it to be.

    It’s a good day. Last week was a good week. This week will be a good week. Despite…well, you know. I remember. *grin*

    More at peace…I’m getting there. It’s a process…always evolving. Chop wood, carry water…chop wood. Ya think one day it will get a bit easier, S? But at the same time…I don’t ever want to run out of water to carry or wood to chop.

    Perhaps some of these questions will help you as well.
    I’m still reflecting on the one Patty asked you.

    I know you’ll be ok with it…both your process and what you decide. I can see you have already started this process in your life…with your relationships…your goals and desires. No matter how it scopes out for you here and now, or later. You too will always be ok. *soft smile*

    Yanno S, I really believe that deep down we *already* know a lot, if not all, the answers to these questions. We talked these questions recently. You know my answers..my recognition of them here were largely formed weeks ago.

    We struggle because we are afraid to put it them to paper so to speak…to give them voice…to make them real. Score one for better living through denial *laughing*

    *looks S in the eye* You know…I adore you.

    Like

  5. I love you.

    You are wonderful just as you are in this moment. Bless you dear one.

    And a reflection…

    Being you is a holy thing. There’s no reason to think anything about yourself, but that you are holy and beautiful just as you are.

    Forgive yourself for being hard and unreasonable toward yourself, but there’s no need for forgiving yourself for being yourself.

    *smiles* K?

    *whispers* K.
    I need to reflect on myself this way, Shannee. Of being holy and good and whole. When I am not so hard with myself I feel that I don’t do my best. When I am hard on myself I become overly self critical. A paradox. I need balance with it.

    Thank you for being here and listening. And for your Love. *kisses*

    Like

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