My blog buddy Shannee addressed these in her blog the other day. *sighs* This resonated so strongly with me, I found myself weeping.
It’s time to look at this as well….to move forward.
* Where do I feel I’ve betrayed my own ideals?
Letting myself fall in love with two men who are very clear they are not emotionally available in a way I need or can have from them, despite their love, genuine affection and care for me. Hiding my feelings from them as to not be annoying and consequently be pushed away….which points to trying to be what they want instead of being myself. Which in turn begs the question of *why* I think I need to be something I’m not to their attention/affection/love.
* What am I feeling really spectacular about in my life?
Being happy most of the time even if I *appear* to be struggling emotionally and spiritually. Even i I’m not smiling all the time.
Allowing myself to *feel* even if I (or others) label those feelings as “negative”.
Being loving and kind to the best of my ability even if the best of my ability varies day by day.
That I can afford to stay in this apartment after my roommate leaves Monday.
Knowing that I’ll always be ok even in my fears.
Knowing that I am Loved.
* What’s feeling really happy in my body?
My legs. I’ve been hiking more for work…over hill and dale…I can feel positive changes in my legs and ass. More strength. I started running with my roommate a few weeks ago but I hold him back. He runs and I catch up. Not productive for him. But I haven’t continued like I was because I hate going alone so much. I need to get over that and just do it. Even if I suck at it and have so little endurance right now. Chop wood, carry water….
My breasts are happy. LOL. No, really. They are.
* Where and in what ways am I holding pain?
My shoulders and my neck on the right side. I’ve was told this indicates I am actively shielding parts of myself from public view….forcing my masculine side outward in a effort to “protect” myself. I get this. I operate on lots of bravado. If anyone has another theory…feel free.
I also hold pain in my sexuality. In my pussy. That I have trouble letting go…afraid to experience that again intimacy…it’s always failed me before.
* What don’t I feel good about-patterns, self destructiveness, shame…etc?
I have a great deal of shame over not being able to let go sexually with my lovers…afraid to experience that intimacy again because it’s failed me so many times. It has become a self destructive pattern of holding myself back with the mistaken belief that no matter what…I will never be “good” enough.
I have some shame about my body. About not feeling attractive enough. *sighs* Not all the time but enough of the time.
I have shame over feeling weak because I don’t exercise enough.
I have shame over feeling emotionally weak and weepy these days.
* In what areas have others betrayed me?
I feel betrayed when others are not honest with me. When they couch terms or omit information. Even though I understand they too desire not to hurt my feelings. And also, not sharing information just because I ask is about their need for privacy than it is about me. It’s critically important for me to cultivate trust and the same total acceptance they have for me….for them to always know that I won’t desert them by withdrawing with my love or friendship no matter what passes between us. Even knowing all this…it still *feels* like betrayal.
* How have I hurt others?
I hurt others with my expectations and assumptions- allowing others to see my personal disappointment. Because of this I really think I give the *impression* no one can do right for me. That they are not doing enough. This isn’t true in the least. Whatever others *choose* to do for me is enough. I’m never disappointed with them, rather I am disappointed with the situation I falsely created in my head about how I *want* it to be..or how I thought it would be.
I do not express my gratitude to them often enough.
I am not soft and understanding enough with them.
* What am I ready to do about it?
I need to think before I open my mouth. To not be re-actionary towards others and situations before me.
* How is my relationship with the Divine/Universe?
I don’t practice my meditation often enough. So consequently I am not feeling as centered as I need to be.
* What do I want to cultivate in my life?
Accomplishment. Love. Abundance. Love. Smiles. Love. Laughter. Love. Acceptance. Love.
* What are my current goals?
I want to learn to fly the glider I was in a few weeks ago. There are many. They need to be addressed separately.
* What am I doing right?
I am learning much myself and my relationships with others.
I am practicing being loving and kind and understanding.
* What am I thankful for?
Friends – Gene, Scott, Jay, Terry, Joe, Linda, Mead, Nan…longtime friends, confidants and mentors.
My blogging cyberfriends.
Being able to Love.
* Is there anything I’d do over different?
No. That implies regrets. I have only two from a very long time ago. That’s enough.
I really believe that what I am doing… the decisions I make are the right ones for me in this moment….for whatever reason….it is the way it’s supposed to be right now. Learning is everything.
* What do I need to forgive myself for?
For not being perfect. For being me.