Shrugging

I feel strangely OK with it.  Strangely quiet inside about it all. Not at all typically me.  Frenetic me.  Worrying me. Anxious me.

I was canned from my job yesterday.  Not for anything significant as far as I can figure.  But that’s another “story”, eh?

The PM came in when my supervisor was gone and fired me.  But he didn’t have a thing to do with it he said.  What he didn’t say was much more telling.

It’s not that I don’t care. That he didn’t tell my supervisor until after the fact was wrong.  That he did it while he was on leave was very sneaky and underhanded.  But, done is done, and he knows it.

I could stick a knife in.  But I won’t. The PM is…well…how he uses his inside info for the government bid process for another company is  a BIG ethics violation and illegal as hell.  *shrugs*  He doesn’t need any rope from me to hang himself.  And now, I would be the disgruntled employee to mention it anyway.  *laughing*

Ah well.  Yanno it was pretty easy to gather my stuff and just go.  No tears.  Hugs for coworkers.  Hugs for me.   But really, no tears.  No real upset.  ???

A friend was defensive and ??? angry ???  I don’t plan on filing for unemployment.   The reasons are numerous.  And sound in some respects.  But, I just don’t want to.   I need positive energy to move forward.

After all, I already decided I was done here.  That I would be gone in 6 months.  Looks like it’s happening faster than I thought. *shrugs* Now about mid – May.  A fine time to travel across the land in the “Subie” my roommate sold me (at a bargain price)  before he left last month.  See….things *are*right.  I wouldn’t have made it anywhere in my beater with the tranny starting to slip.

It’s not the most pleasant thing to deal with.  A little embarrassing even.  I’ve never been fired.  Not even separated with an understanding.  Yep, I’m 52.  My profession typically doesn’t pay top dollar.   I don’t have a Masters Degree.  I don’t even have a degree in my working profession.  But it’s passion for me.  But there are more and more environmental  jobs coming available and that gives me hope. I have gobs of on the ground experience and strong skills.  I won’t starve. I won’t be homeless.   And in all of this, I’ve had an offer of help if I ever need it….that offer reduced me to tears.

The point?  Lemonade from lemons.  *smile*

Gillette was talking about emotions and the stories we tell ourselves.  What WE create.   My ex-roommate said much the same when I queried him last night on WHY I wasn’t that upset.  That it was “weird” to be so calm about it all.   He told me that my thought construct about this…the “story”…exactly what Gillette talks about…is very loosely held.   Not tightly held this time.  I’m not entrenched….not caught up in it all.    Not the same as,  not important.

My PM’s story is not MY story.  It never will be.   I can’t change it.   And if I could?  I wouldn’t.

My story, your story, his story…my truths, your truths, his truths.  All different.  All filtered. All colored.

Shrugging is not the same as not caring.

There is another bit to this.  Last week I met with a former boss. One of my most favorite and most respected bosses/men/friends/mentors and overall inspirations.   He’s getting a truly raw deal.  His integrity has been deliberately trashed.   His trust is broken.  He looks beaten.  Acts beaten.  His words are untypically venomous.   But at the same time he’s worried about us.  His team they’ve torn apart along with his reputation.   We talked at length.  From the heart.   He can’t  / won’t hear right now.   He’s entrenched in his “story”.  My “story” for him is far different.  His team…we’re all OK.  They don’t get it.  He doesn’t get it either.  You can’t kill what is rooted inside us…what he taught all of us in the past 15 years…..ethics and integrity…..knowing what is right and just….And then, the guts to stand the fuck up when necessary.   When necessary….

I bit my tongue…..refrained from asking (in my usual sarcastic Joisey way that only Rosa can) when he was going to just SHRUG.  Shrug that weight of the world and shrug worry about us away.  Not, give up.  But rather, how to  think it and do it differently. Whatever the hell *it* is.   Sometimes fighting to the death for a principal on *their*  turf is counter productive. What hill do you want to die on today?  Standing the fuck up on their hill isn’t necessary.  For me either…..

Shrugging is not the same as giving up.

All this has me wondering.

Where is it we split with the multitude of “stories” we tell ourselves?

and maybe more importantly right now for me….

What of those “stories” we tell ourselves about others?

How does that affect our relationships in what it is we *really* expect from others

and true acceptance for other’s decisions

Understanding

Trusting the other is doing exactly what is best for them.

Even if we don’t agree.

I think I’m more hurt and stunned really, by the comments from my friend…

Which also lends itself to some thought as to what stories I’m telling myself about him.  Hmmm….

Where do I need to heal that?   Accept and understand *his* thought construct as well….

I mean, it’s WE who tell the stories.  WE all do it.  Only WE have to power in this regard.

It’s about acceptance of others.

But mostly It’s about trust in ourselves.

And knowing when and where to shrug….

BTW, I’m more annoyed my cell phone blew up yesterday and I had to shell out for another one.

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3 Responses to Shrugging

  1. gillette says:

    What a journey you’re on! Looking at “reality” and not reacting in fear is such a balancing act. And yet not, somehow when things are….assimilated? Is that the word I’m looking for? I mean…it’s not like you planned your response. It simply was. Is this what happens when we reach this age, have been through the ringer enough to know the cycles of life more? This, too, shall pass…and is it worth what my story does to me?

    I like the image of the shrug. Thanks.

    Yah, it just was and I let it be what it was instead of fighting with it. It was so interesting because there was no fear re-action, no solar plexus ache. I like “assimilated; as if it just incorporated into everything else there is, momentarily there and then gone. Ephemeral.

    Perhaps you are right and it is maturity to finally realize how useless it is to struggle. Stress sucks. We make most of it ourselves. Maybe some day this lack of re-action and my struggle to not struggle will root a bit firmer within me. My “story” will really be of little to no consequence. Until then…chop wood, carry water. *grin*

    Glad you like the shrug image. I was thinking of Ayn Rand when I was talking to my former boss. Wanted to ask him what he thought would happen if he….just….shrugged.

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  2. Molly says:

    Great attitude. One day you might likely look back at “getting canned” from this job as a blessing. When the door closes, truly a window opens, and therein lies the forward motion.

    My husband was laid off 7 weeks ago, is very qualified, and still looking for a job. I was just saying to him what a blessing, an opportunity all of this is for us. It is really letting us see the fruits of our practice.

    Thanks for sharing your words and insights here. Love it.

    You’re right Molly, and I am the only one who can close the door completely. I need to not have it take any unnecessary space in me. Almost there. *grins* It’s hard…there’s still some..shame…I think lurking there. That needs to go without me leaving my responsibility behind.

    I am glad too that you are there to support your husband and that you both can see the blessings in it all. Makes it so much easier. :)

    Thanks for coming by!

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  3. Ex Roomie says:

    This is all supposed to be happening my friend. Everything, including your friend’s comments, the evil scum managers, and your cell phone breaking. :) Why? We don’t know why. Maybe we will some day, and maybe we won’t. Your job is to accept it. All of it. From that place of acceptance will come your clarity for the next action.

    Love you Rosa. And remember, “this too shall pass.” (Ouch, for the wack on the head I know I’ll get for that comment!). xo

    *grins* Aloha Ex-roomie and longtime friend in my heart. It is true isn’t it? Acceptance is key. I am there this time. Strangely enough. You know me well enough to know how easily I slip into that struggle of non-acceptance. Of wanting to change the past.

    It’s peaceful inside despite my cathartic rambling here this morning. You know…my process. This time….short and not anxiety ridden. I’m not angry at the friend. Or the evil scum manager. What a fucktard! *laughs and sticks out tongue*

    I have some ideas after a good nights sleep. And I’m open this morning.

    Yanno *hands on hips* You are such a wiseass and I wouldn’t have you any other way. *laughing my ass off* I’m so hoping you can be here for a bit. I hear beach time and dancing calling….and a sweet, dark beer.

    Thanks for the chats and the offers, Sweet G, You know I Love you. XOXO

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