I’m being handed an opportunity to again be a mirror and be mirrored in Another.
My time for isolation has ended it seems, or at least on this piece of floating rock in the Pacific.
My recent ex-roommate provided that for me and I for him, but I’ve come to realize in the months he’s been gone; I didn’t fully realize the scope of that reflection until *after* he left. There is no good or bad here…I feel pretty neutral about it…as in I’m not beating myself up in hindsight because I *know* we don’t always see the lesson immediately.
I now need sanctuary. Sanctuary in my heart and with the heart of Another.
There is some fear in this for me…the offer was unasked for, incredibly generous, and I was told that it simply won’t be denied. So, there is a part of me that wonders, Why *are* you, of all people, offering your sacred space with the confidence it won’t come to any harm between us? What is it *you* know, that I do not?
There’s a tremendous amount of trust there so I need to take that trust he has in me and in our undefined relationship, turn it inward and let it blossom in my heart because I’m not so sure I have, at least on the surface, the same trust in myself.
There isn’t anything that he’s asked of me that is “unreasonable”. We’re both clear we each want to live alone. This is temporary. Other than that he’s expressly told me he wants no limits on what it is or will be.
He’s asked for me to cook for him, to help around the house, but most of all, to “green” his yard. All I would do without asking anyway, but that he recognizes some of the sources of my joy feels safe and tender. *smile*
And at the same time, he demands the best of me. That’s scary. What if….what if I don’t measure up? Yikes. Honestly, I generally don’t give a shit what others think…I keep pretty good counsel in myself…It’s served me well over the years.
It’s been his (my Colorado Muse) desire for the past three years, to have me be able to completely surrender my heart to him…I have never been able to do that completely. Mostly that’s been a distance factor for the past two years. But still, it has been a source of dismay and personal disappointment to me.
I need to let that go and just let it flower in whatever way it needs.
Here’s where the “yes”, and” and the “yes, but” appear to conflict. And holding ones heart but letting to go with a loss of me in there. How to engage. Where to engage, or not. Eeeeks. Knowing full well this arrangement temporary and it *will* change the dynamic of what we are; I simply don’t know what that will be. Despite some of the challenges living with my ex-roommate, we are closer than we were previous to the experience. Perhaps that’s part of the hindsight lesson I need to take with me as I travel along the next part of my journey.
My biggest task here it seems is not the security or control in finding a job and eventual housing-that’s never been a problem and I don’t view it as such-but being able to look in the mirror without banging my head on it and cracking the darn thing, lol. Because that’s not the image I want projected either. Flaws are fine. Shards are not….
Shannee….thanks darlin’ for providing this place as safe haven. I can’t, for readership reasons, take this into my public blog. XOXO