The job interview went well. Or at least I thought so. I won’t know for 2-4 weeks. Still, it’s a moot point. I doubt I’ll be taking it. While I would love to live near the ocean again someday, that someday isn’t now and it’s not in Southern California right now either.
Thinking about this potential job gives me the same solar plexus ache I had thinking about taking a job on the Big Island a few months ago. UGH. It’s not right for me at this moment in time.
There are many “logical” reasons behind my ” I doubt it”. Although Southern Cal is warm and pretty and has an ocean, it’s as expensive as Hawaii. Ok, food and gas is cheaper. But housing in the area I would end up is more expensive than Hawaii. I don’t want shared housing with strangers, thanks anyway. That puts me in a 400 sq foot apt for 1400-1500 dollars a month or more, plus utilities. REDICULOUS on a salary of 55K. If offered, I will ask for more. If they entertain that idea I will consider. But this time it will have be on terms I can live with.
True I have no other expenses (car ins, phone, internet and storage in Colorado), but I do have some debt I’ve been unable to pay. Even with a lower paying job in Colorado housing is 1/3 the cost. I’ll be near friends and family, work on that debt, eat better, AND still put some money away for travel, a bike and my camera.
While it could put me back on the mainland closer to friends and family, the truth of the matter is that I will, except for one person nearly 100 miles away, have no friends or family close enough to suit me. And that’s the real reason.
I am lonely for friends and family. I am tired of spending most holidays alone. And I simply can’t continually ask to borrow friend’s families for the occasions. It feels like a huge imposition.
Rather than think I’m nuts to even think about turning down a potential job, I’m going to trust my gut feel…trust the intuition we love to ignore.
So as I pack and ship my belongings back to Colorado I take with me almost two years of introspection, soul work, gorgeous weather, warm salt water, a host of I Love-I Hate Hawaii experiences and a knowing that this place is fine for a visit but not where I want to live.
What have I learned on my summer vacation?
- I love, love, love the ocean and the silence in the sound of the waves.
- Warm salt water is healing.
- I miss the Rocky Mountains.
- Small crabs make small holes in the sand and big crabs make big holes in the sand.
- I will not eat Balut.
- Papayas and Mangos are great but peaches and green chiles are better.
- There is nothing like sunrise on Waimanalo Beach.
- I found my soul in each sunrise on that beach.
- I found my heart again and it is filled with Love.
- Acceptance is key.
- I ask, and I receive.
- Our dreams are answered in the most unexpected ways.
- I am strong.
- I am resilient.
- I am Human and not ashamed to be one.
- I don’t like a “heads down” culture.
- I’m more social than I ever realized.
- This place is too small for me.
- My stay here was truly, Somewhere Over the Rainbow.
There are two biggies here for me:
- The reflections in the mirror are not always what we don’t want to see, they are always what we need to see; because between all the blinding lights of the icky bits we tend to see with hypercritical eyes, our internal “beloved” and our “heart” is also reflected in the mirror of Another.
- That unconditional Love is just that-unconditional. And as we give so shall we receive. Mahalo ex-roomie, friend in my heart, for both lessons and for being an unconditionally loving teacher. *smile*
There’s more…some too much for here right now. Some not realized yet. Their time will come.
I will spend the first week of May here with a girl friend of 26 years, playing hostess and frolicking on the beach. That was a source of anxiety for me until yesterday. It’s now going to be a source of pleasure. The week or so after that I will reflect on all the beauty and my stay here. I will buy a small recorder…I want sounds of a particular beach to take with me….and then I can go with a rainbow of experiences, sights, and sounds that were healing along my path and unique to me…
Pau. I’m done here. And it’s all good. *grin*