Because I am stuck and not really ready to give complete voice to my process yet…I’m still calling…
Another Life Interrupted moment in time.
Brain in overdrive it seems, despite meditation. I’m distracted. Need to look at that and perhaps let it be as “trying to hard”. Having an expectation out of my own stillness? WTF?
Shannee touched deeper on something the other day with her simple question of, What was it like?
Which launched me into relaying where we went, but not what it was like. When I realized that and went back to answer, it was “images of emotion” forming my words. That’s been niggling my brain for a few months…digging into memories, watching them abstractedly and the *how* of my perception, how I’ve *always* perceived…taking me back to calling up some of those “images of emotion”, not the event per se, or in can’t let go of the past kind of way, but that which bubbled out. That make any sense at all? Calling all empaths, please report to the white room…
And, still thinking about where all this “life” is taking me. What I really need. Reading all these insightful posts and chewing hard on some stuff in the, separating needs from wants and desires and dreams and goals department, and at the same time, not locking myself in. Examining life changing events with respect to “relationships”. Something Gillette has been looking at, dynamic between two, inter/intra, personality, habits, and what works. Where we negotiate and how we negotiate, or choose *not* to negotiate those energy dynamics. That seems to be a common thread these days. Realizing I have close friends who strongly and *constantly* call into question opposite-ness in mode, personality, or philosophy…forcing me to examine my long standing mode of operation on a very internal level. My energy dynamic. How does that work and not work for me. How is that intertwined with my current beliefs? What is it I know (if anything) about myself that are true or stories, core, and mutable. Maybe it’s more about *where* I unsheathe the sword and where I don’t need to unsheathe the sword. Calling up the feminine and trust in her?
And after all this time….filtering in and out are ideas and perceptions I “thought” was done with…let go of…but then, since they were apparently put away as “stories”…well, you get it…they are coming back out as stories hidden in Pandora’s box and I need to be done with them…release them once and for all.
Girlfriend coming for a week on Monday and preparing to get off island. Boxes, shipping, car, cleaning…in between trying to revise resumes. It will be a week of blissful beach time. I need it before heading back. When I hit LA in three weeks I’m hanging with my fantabulous ex-roomie for a few days and we are going to Disneyland!! Never been. Pure, silly fun for two never will be quite growed up, grown ups. Calling in the children.
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
Concentrating on picking up my feet here…..wondering when I’ll call myself home…maybe it’s all some unrealistic expectation I have needing to feel more done than I do rght now…call it a little bit of seperation anxiety…