Not gonna do it

After supper and getting his children (7 & 5) to be we relaxed on the couch and watched, No Country for Old Men.  It was much better than I thought.  A bit gruesome but good all the same.  I don’t usually watch moves as I find at least 80% of them suck and I hate feeling like I wasted 2 hours where I could have read a book or done just about anything else, including cleaning toilets.

We talked long into the night.  Gawd I love those between you,  me and the couch talks. The upshot of it all is that he’s closed to everyone and he feels he needs to be right now.  He’s untrusting of women. Not specifically of me…..just in general.  But, I am included in that…just to a lesser degree because of the closeness of our friendship first policy.  He’s told me numerous times in the past that she would never have what I have with him.  I believe that to be true still.  That reeks of some jealousy on my part.  Yeah, they do sex well.  And I’m not getting any, lol.    But they don’t do relationship well at all.    Ahhh….well.  It is what it is.

It was nice to start reestablishing some of the emotional intimacy we previously shared. We have a long way to go.  Baby steps.

I need to be careful with this. I need to be cognizant of allowing him space to be comfortable again with me.  Not pushing as I usually do. Not wanting to “fix” everything right away.  That tends to consume me.  Hate being unsettled. I have always been hypersensitive to his moods.

All I can do now is listen and offer honest perspective.

I am bummed we haven’t really sexual intimacy.  That may come and it may not.  While I long for it…..I’m not going to push.  Not going to take it personally.  We sleep together well.  We snuggle well and more often than not, I fall asleep in his arms.  I like that. It soothes me and he knows it.  I like how he gathers me up in his arms at the end of the night and reaches for me in the morning as I spoon behind him.  I need to let him know how much I appreciate his touch. It’s slightly suggestive….I’m going to leave that alone. Leave it to him to initiate.

We are still planning Greece together in about a year or so.  I was kind of surprised to hear this.

But I’m NOT going to back off from being affectionate, giving or asking for hugs and kisses, or using affectionate terms with him.  I am not going to stop telling him how much I adore, cherish and love him as a man and as my friend.

I asked him not to close me off.   I told him if he really can’t handle it, he needs to speak up. Tell me to knock it off.   Told him that I wasn’t going to “hurt” him.  And that I would always be here for him.  I’ll still be around to poke at him, lol.  Whether he likes it or not.

With the kids here for the weekend, I am sleeping in his daughters bed…they are sleeping with him. His rule always has been for the kids to not see women in his bed even if they see daily affections.

I asked him to tuck me into bed.  It’s sweet the way he takes care and gets me extra blankets knowing I’ll probably be cold. I was.  I missed his body and his scent with mine.

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3 Responses to Not gonna do it

  1. gillette says:

    This was so sweet to read.

    I love the way that we can never tell where a relationship will go, what it will look like in two weeks much less two years. I’m letting go on increasing levels of needing to know…not there yet entirely, but sure on my way more than a year ago.

    I wish you well in this…and give thanks for the spooning and cuddles.

    No we sure can’t Gillette. And a huge part of the problem….my anal nature and ridiculous need to always be more comfortable in what I perceive I can control. I have to work really hard on this.

    He is so satisfying on so many levels for me. And I am thankful for his affection and attention to my need for skin each night.

    Like

  2. I think you’ve got a wise viewpoint about it all. Give things time. You’ve got lots of you-only stuff to think about anyways…*smiles*

    Hang in there hon. ((hugs))

    Patience is a lifelong lesson….
    xoxo

    Like

  3. M:e says:

    Quietly evolving sounds good…soft…though I’m certain at times will be frustrating. Maybe come back and read this posting at those times.

    love and hugs xxx

    Yes! I want to be soft and quiet in this. I need to be….so hard M:e. I am not generally a quiet person in relationship, any relationship. And most of the time…way too hard on myself. It’s that balance I always question…knowing how hard I can be…wondering if I am not hard…that I will slip into being lazy with myself.

    Does that make sense?

    Like

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