Sitting in Silence

I sat for a long time last week taking all of it into my heart.  Trying to find the source of my unease, and at the same time the place of truth, healing, and power.  Not just for me, but for those around me as well.

My desire is to surrender.

My desire is to trust.

I can’t do the first without fully extending and receiving the second.

I’m thinking of trust as a partitioned, revolving door.

There are degrees, or a range of trust extended depending on circumstance, those involved, and past experience(s).

What I am getting at are the two door stoppers; trust in myself to make the right decision for *me*, and receiving trust from others.

Trust in self is the driver of the door.  If Trust in Self wavers the slightest bit, the door stops moving. It goes nowhere.  No one in any of the partitions is going anywhere.  We become trapped.

What I notice is that I can say “I trust you”…I can verbalize extending trust to others, but I keep the knife in front of me.  It may be sheathed, but it’s on the table. Ready.   I’m still looking for the dragon of mistrust to appear in front of me.  I am always ready to slay the dragon.  And, of course the dragon will appear simply because I am looking for it to do so, yes?

I’ve been asked to fully receive back the trust I have in another, with an open heart.  To put away the knife.  No, not just put it down….but to throw the dammed thing away.

Surrender the knife.  Trust in myself.  Extend trust to another and at the same time, fully receive that trust from another. Not push that part of it away…..

Not ask.  Not push.  Not prompt.   Consider what I want to say with what is being shown to me.

Yikes.  No easy task for one so ready to fight, ‘eh?

There are only a few I trust completely.  Where the knife is not out. Where I can and do surrender.  These are two longtime buddies.  But that same trust is not extended or received fully to my current roommate – my Muse.

My biggest and most powerful story on “not trust” is one revolving around my parents, their lack of tangible affection, my mothers lack of validation of me as a person when I was a child and throughout adulthood. I often seem to choose the default of her beliefs imparted to me over the years.  Not good enough.  Not smart enough.  Not wise enough.  Not pretty enough.  Not enough….

When I hear “you are”…..pick anything positive….pretty, smart, articulate, etc……I stiffen.  The knife comes out with NOT ringing in my head.  I’m ready to cut those to shreds with my default story.  Not only that, but the mistrust grows.  What do you want *from* me?  Why me? I’m not worth it.

This story forces a default behavior as well.  One of trying too hard to be something I am not.  Of doing more. Of being more.  All under the perception of failing.  Not good enough. It’s a no win scenario as I become more and more frustrated and try even harder…

Ouch.

I took a good look in the mirror the other day.

I’m not a supermodel.  I’m far from ugly. I’m far from plain Jane too.

For 52 years old I have a great body.  It may not be “curvy” or “feminine” – there I go with the labels again – *rolls eyes* –  but it’s a mature woman’s body that is relatively unblemished, but real.

I know when I’m happy….really happy…..my face lights up….my eyes show my happiness and I light others with it too.

I could go on, but you get my drift.

He told me it’s simply a matter of bad data.  Bad input.  Corrupt files in storage that are pulled out again and again.  They no longer need to be pulled out and examined.  They don’t make sense…..delete them.

He told me too, I’m not your mother, or your father, or any one of your ex-husbands, or old boyfriends you learned not to trust.  I’m not them.

He keeps telling me to just be me.  Just be myself.  Myself is more than plenty.  And stop trying so dammed hard to be everything.  I’m not good at everything.  LOL.   Yah.

I’ve decided to surrender.  Not submit.  Surrender.  I know I can trust my instinct.  I trust my Muse.  I also need to receive trust from him by taking that trust into my heart….and believing he trusts me as well.

~~~~~

Depression is insidious.  It’s the monster under my bed I manage to keep at bay.  Maybe it’s just a whole slew of expectations for myself.  Medication is out.  Tried them all at one time or another.  They don’t do it for me.  I need to feel. And I need to feel deeply.

I’ve started some different habits.  Some based on the comments on My Inner Masculine.  Yah.  I’ve stopped poo pooing her.  I’ve started calling her out.

We talked about my reluctance to dress…meaning a “dress” or “skirt” (I own plenty believe it or not), instead of ripped jeans and jersey shorts for going out…meaning the grocery store or the bank or?  We talked about a bit of mascara and fixing my hair instead of my usual wild child look.  Yanno, it’s not like I don’t shower or anything….I just don’t put much, if any, effort into dress or makeup.  It shows. That’s changing.

It’s nice to have an objective and honest opinion.

Oh, don’t laugh.  Waterproof mascara is a joy.  It doesn’t melt off my face gardening or hiking or launching rockets or working in the garage.

Taking care of oneself. It feels good. I’m smiling more and laughing a lot.  I am more at ease with it.

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5 Responses to Sitting in Silence

  1. Michelle says:

    You truly are on your way. Accept what comes to you and simply feel.

    Some days acceptance is hard. Some days it’s easy. Feeling is the only way I know. I need to channel it constructively in the moment without reacting. I feel me and others close to me so acutely it’s hard to separate.
    Chop wood, carry water. It’s a process.

    Thank you for stopping by and for your comment!!

    Like

  2. Whitemist says:

    Wow, you have gone deep and I think you see the other side!
    This is very good. For some reason the thought – “through the belly of the whale” comes to mind. You are on a good path.

    Whitemist, firstly…welcome here and thank you for such a thoughtful comment, It made me smile…your analogy. Oh yes some days, very much so.
    Secondly….I am really enjoying perusing your blog.
    Don’t be a stranger. I don’t get many male comments and always welcome another perspective.

    Like

  3. gillette says:

    Just stopping by…wishing you well and hoping that your journey continues to expand.

    I often notice that when I write a post about something, it ends up being a theme in my real life for awhile.

    How goes trust?

    Well. Surprisingly well. LOL. I have been doing what I promised. Not pushing, not poking, not prodding, not assuming, not arguing.

    I’ve noticed it has been very easy to simply ask, what is it that you want?, even after registering my thoughts on the matter at hand. Sometimes he agrees, sometimes not. Sometimes I agree and sometimes not. However, even where I do not agree I have in all instances listened and considered if what was being asked/told was a “deal breaker”…that is, so dammed important to *me* that I would “not”. And in all instances I have…oh how I hate this word…complied….trusting what he wants/needs is…another dreaded word…”right” for the both of us. It is not subservient in any way and I think that this was another niggley fear.

    It has opened the door to being able to state very plainly what I want/need without attachment to whatever it is happening. Oddly enough, it has not meant giving up what I want/need at all…or having my wants/needs ignored or pushed aside. As a matter of fact….there is more…ummm….not sure how to put this….equitable flow about it all. ??? We are doing more together, with ease, as a family and within our private relationship.

    I feel as if we have moved back to what we had before I moved in. An easy, emotionally bonded, strong and enjoyable friendship, rich with a sharing of selves on many levels without fear…… Very nice. I am happy in it. He appears to be as well.

    Like

  4. Sorrow says:

    I read this and thought ” there are no mistakes” I am sure thats a quote from some famous wise man..( or women! LOL)
    sounds like you are unfolding, and in a place/space that is exactly what you need.
    I am having a tye dye party on the 26th of this month, you want me to tye dye you a funky skirt? Tye dye is my flower camo..~laughing~
    need a size if yes!
    (((HUGS)))

    ((hugs)) back sorrow. I have been reluctant to look at this post for so loing I missed your generous offer. Hope they turned out smashingly!!
    You are right. I am safe here. There are no mistakes. I need this.

    Like

  5. tobeme says:

    You have come to a state of great awareness about your self. Yes, you must discard the knife and accept what comes your way with an open and trusting heart. You are correct, when you look for the monster it will surely live up to your expectations and appear. Let go of your expectations and simply accept.

    It is true, Mark. And something we have been talking about for years…trust and my propensity to walk with the knife at my side at all times. I don;t need it here. I may never need it again. *smile*

    Like

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