It felt good to talk in the manner of pure friendship again….It’s something I remarked last week that I thought we had lost for good. And although he insisted we haven’t….only that the pieces of living together had fallen on top of friendship and obscured them…made them harder to see…made them harder to dig for on top of all the day to day stuff….it still didn’t “feel” like that to me.
So to automatically take off all the many hats I wear with him…to ask want was really the issue, to not just hear a bunch of words but listen to his heart, to offer honest perspective, to offer potential solutions based on his need, and then ask what can I do to help his situation without “Me” and “I” coming into any conflict….well, it felt like we returned to what we once shared.
It felt good and righteous and honest. It felt fearless to state what I observe without blame or disappointment leaking out and overshadowing what needed to be expressed.
This is not about me in any way. But I don’t think that would have made any difference had it been issues with me personally. It just didn’t occur to me at the time to be concerned with anything other than letting him speak his truth and his feelings.
Not based on “Me”. And I can see, really see, where “Me” has been leaking out into our conversations and living arrangements for months. How hard that has been for the both of us. How his reluctance to talk has been with the fear of having to deal with “Me” has dampened the relationship. Made us both a bit fearful.
I’m not taking all the blame. He’s been terse and tense and frustrated after long weekends away for reasons other than our arrangements and I’ve been the recipient of it without really knowing why. The result is tension and arguments. I catch the overflow…the fallout from something else simply because I am here. And then, in my usual fashion, take it a bit personally. And with even more fear that I’ve done something “wrong”. Even if I know better…..
So in the midst of all this and him letting me know his plans for the next couple of days, I hesitated a minute, considering…and locked on to his eyes. Not in a manner of defiance or “Me”, but of wanting his full attention. I smiled.
Oh shit? What have I forgotten now? That isn’t *this* weekend is it?
No, no. I would love to go with you this weekend.
I stated my desire without fear. I’ve been reluctant up until now to do that….feeling like anything I ask will be perceived as another obligation…another burden to deal with.
He just grinned at me when the words came out. And continued to grin at me…our eyes still locked.
What? Now you are laughing at me. Hey, I can put it out there. *laughing and shrugging at the same time*
He didn’t answer. He’s thinking. He’ll let me know in his own time. He needs the space to do that. Especially now…feeling like everything he has to do is an obligation…not what he *wants* to do. But he’s given his word so he’ll do it anyway.
And it really doesn’t matter if I go with them this weekend or not. What matters is that he knows my desire. That I asked without attachment. And he knows it.
Ahhh…well….I really do think this is finally ok with the both of us.
I’m off. Have a date with my longtime coffee buddy. Haven’t seen him since I returned. Last month when we planned this, we both mixed the info and ended up at different places only two blocks away…both of us wondering why we had been stood up…something that’s never happened before.
Need to shower and find something to tease him with. *giggles* Short skirt, short skimpy top, no panties *wink*