We met for coffee in the park yesterday after work. And talked again in the manner of before I left for Hawaii. Of examining what is and what is not, in a personal truth and honesty kind of way we have that makes us what we are to each other.
We talked of his frustrations with her. How she will simply never be everything he wants her to be, and his profound disappointment with that. Of relationships based in sex but nothing else even where there are longstanding attachments and lots of affection. We talked of safety and comfort in relationships. Why we choose to stay even tho we know the relationship can never be what we want. We talked of women his is interested in. We talked about his fear that he will meet a woman who won’t tolerate him living with a female roommate. That it forces a choice he won’t make. But it may force us not sleeping together. No lies. No sins of omission. I told him we’ll work out whatever comes along. But I won’t dwell on it. I won’t worry about what has not happened yet. Or may never happen while I am here.
She is having problems with me…again. The never ending jealously problem. Even tho all this jealousy about me is supposed to be off limits….it apparently isn’t and this boundary gets pushed all the time.
Now she claims ALL her mistrust of him and ALL those questions surrounding her possessiveness and jealously will magically come to rest by meeting me. He asked what I thought about it. I told him no. Not because I can’t have men here in the house and what is good for me is good for him. I don’t want to open myself up to scrutiny. Even tho I think it would be a good exercise for me in stepping back and just observing, by default he gets put in the middle. There will be additional questions. It won’t solve anything for her. He agrees and thinks it’s better for me to remain somewhat non-dimensional. Anonymous.
We talked until nearly dusk, ran some errands and headed home where the conversation continued.
It was nice to share again. Saying what needs to be said. Asking the hard questions of each other. I found myself engaged. Present. I also found us locking eyes for long periods…peering into souls. Looking for acceptance and comfort and no fear of the other…within the other. Exchanging energy. Yep. We found it again. Very nice.
We had a small mis-communication getting gas. Not present. And I slipped into disappointment and selfishness. During our park talk he told me she was going to be gone. He had promised to go to a party with me for a time on Saturday. She who is his main “squeeze” as he puts it, called as we were driving and changed her plans on going away. She’s decided they should go away together for the weekend. Or he should take her to the party. So when he asked, Oh great, now what do I do…..I unloaded and missed the sarcasm contained in the comment. I took it as him needing an out. So I gave it, telling him that he just needed to do whatever he needed to do. That I fully expected he wouldn’t go anyway. That I couldn’t take whatever he told me seriously anymore. I left and turned the car around mid way home, planning on just disappearing into the night for a few hours to cool off.
Running away. Not generally a pattern for me as I tend to confront. He loathes running away more than my inability to step back for a minute. I returned to the house a few minutes after he did, and let him know why i was gone. We talked it though. He is not and has no intention of going away with her this weekend. He will not take her to the party because it is a smokescreen for her insistence on meeting me. He wants some alone time and was hoping to go to the party for a few hours, slip out and just enjoy the solitude.
It was nice to hear he depends on the many hats I wear for him. And doesn’t want that to change. That he’s never had a best friend and that he Loves me so very much.
It was nice to hear from him that I don’t let him get away with anything. HA! Even when he wants to. Yah, he does that for me as well. Sometimes brutally. I like being a mirror for each other. He agreed.
He likes sleeping alone most of the time. I don’t. He acknowledged my need for skin. I, in turn, asked if he wanted to sleep alone. If he is feeling overwhelmed. It felt “right”. It felt “not personal” despite the fact I would rather sleep next to him. It makes me feel good he acknowledges what I need whether he can give it or not. Yeh, I told him that too. And too that I never want to give the impression that my place is in his bed. I want to be invited there. Welcome. It’s why I don’t sleep there when he is gone. He gets that. I know this won’t last. It’s a function of being overwhelmed. Of being smothered by her. Of me being here all the time in the evening. I get my alone time. He doesn’t.
We talked about his inability to say “No” and he promised to work on that with me. Saying “no” when I ask without second guessing about how I might feel. Saying “No” because that is what he needs. And letting me accommodate that need.
We talked again about self worth. Both his and mine…our inability to believe we are worth love. How we don’t invest ourselves because of past hurts. How do we break through that to reclaim ourselves.
He tucked me into my bed. We ended up talking more. Crap…we spent from 5 to midnight in intensive care.
We talked about their sex life. How it is between them. What makes it so good. Or not so good. What changes….how have they maintained over 4 years to keep that on an upward spiral. Our sex is good, very good. It has a ways to go as we re-learn about each other. I like that. He agreed. He wants more from me. He wants what they have sexually with me too.
So, I asked him to teach me to surrender sexually. To just let it all go. To let him and my orgasms control me. Instead of me controlling them. Yes, he wants it as much as I do. I need it from him and with him. I need our sexual relationship pushed to the edge and then over the top. Yes, he wants that. That surprised me. I had no idea….
We talked about trust between us. He trusts me. Really? Yah. I need to trust him with this. I trust him the person. Not sure I trust men entirely. I need to separate those. I don’t trust myself to be so open and vulnerable. Naked to my soul. And I will be exposing my soul to him. He remarked that he feels I’ve come close at times before I left for Hawaii. And I’ve been loosening up since I got back. Relaxing into him….especially the last few times. Yah, I felt that too. It’s been….different. More whole. Not fragmented. More seamless. He showed his patience with it all. And with me. I didn’t know he was watching and waiting….and taking the opportunity where it comes to slowly pull that out of me. He is.
We’re plenty intense when we get like this. I want to let this flow. And it will. But I need to let most of this settle into the both of us for a while. It’s interesting. He’s clear when he’s done talking. But it’s never the end of the conversation between us. It’s not the end of his process. Just the words. I know he’s thinking all we talked about last night in his own time. I know he like that about us. There’s never a lack of discussion. It’s ongoing. I hope that never ends….
I want to fuck tonight. Don’t know if I’ll ask tho. Perhaps. There is a part of me that knows if I don’t ask I simply don’t get. And the other part that knows sometimes it just needs to be left alone for him to act on….when he is ready…on his terms. He always come thru for me. He always gives me what I want and need….just not always the way I expect…..
This morning I am thinking of telling him to invite her up for a few hours. Have a small barbecue. Get to know one another. Maybe it’s something that needs to be done. Maybe it will be good for all of us. Maybe I shouldn’t be afraid of it all…..