I just can’t sleep with my friend Joe.
I’ve slept with many a married man.
Slept with many men just because I wanted to.
Because it was an experience I wanted, or it was an exercise in putting away my fear and insecurities. Or in sheer lust.
It’s what he wants yanno. To sleep with me.
It’s what he’s wanted for the past three years.
He considers me his best friend.
I don’t feel like I am.
I don’t feel like he’s *my* best friend.
I can’t tell him that…..
We are good friends.
Been through a lot of heartache together.
First with Dale’s cancer and then again the next year with Dale’s passing.
With personal problems.
We still share a lot of laughter.
He’s sweet on me. He tells me so.
He wants “a chance” with me. He tells me that too.
Told my two youngest children if he wasn’t married, I’d be his.
Arrogant, huh? LOL. That’s Joe. *smile*
I am his Princess….I get whatever I want, anytime I want.
I know this to be true.
There is much he would do for me if he could.
All I have to do is ask.
He has my back. Always has.
Yeah, I have much affection for this man.
He likes me not being a girly girl.
But notices when I do clean up.
That I will jump o the back of the bike just because I wanna.
That I can talk shit with the best of them when I want.
Not sure I’m particularly proud of that….
I am everything his wife is not. Yah, he told me that. *sighs*
We all look for the opposite of what he have or had, right?
That’s dangerous. And foolish. Misguided. It’s nuthin’ but trouble……nuthin but trouble….
I can make up all kinds of excuses about wanting him to get his marriage straight first.
I can’t take up the space that’s died between them over the past few years.
I can make up all kinds of excuses about wanting his wife’s tacit approval first.
Something she’s given previously, especially if it came with a threesome.
But I get the feeling it’s because she didn’t know what else to do. Their marriage was plenty rocky.
I can make up all kinds of excuses about how I don’t like how he addresses his wife, or how she addresses him and the disrespect I hear in it all.
I offer nothing but excuses in view of my truth and not wanting to be honest with myself as to the real reason I don’t want to sleep with him.
I cannot be entirely honest with him. There is no need. It will be hurtful.
But what happens when he extracts his wife’s approval or attempts righting his marriage? What happens then when he comes back at me?
More excuses from me on why not?
Muse is right when he said this morning over coffee, that the sex would be good, but to be great he personally needs a certain level of intimacy. I get that to my core. Its not a want. It’s a need.
Joe would probably be a good experience.
The intimacy I require just isn’t there with Joe.
The emotional bond I require just isn’t there with Joe.
The intellectual stimulation just isn’t there with Joe.
It doesn’t prevent me from liking this man.
Or having a great affection and appreciation for him.
I like the attention he lavishes on me.
It’s sweet. It comes with a price.
But it doesn’t satisfy me.
It doesn’t satiate me the way I need.
Connection without sex being a “requirement”……
There is no judgment here. Not for me and not for him.
I just don’t want to play right now.
I will probably never want to play in his sandbox.
I have other tasks before me, even if I know not what all they are….