I can't….

I just can’t sleep with my friend Joe.
I’ve slept with many a married man.
Slept with many men just because I wanted to.
Because it was an experience I wanted, or it was an exercise in putting away my fear and insecurities. Or in sheer lust.

It’s what he wants yanno. To sleep with me.
It’s what he’s wanted for the past three years.
He considers me his best friend.
I don’t feel like I am.
I don’t feel like he’s *my* best friend.
I can’t tell him that…..

We are good friends.
Been through a lot of heartache together.
First with Dale’s cancer and then again the next year with Dale’s passing.
With work.
With personal problems.
We still share a lot of laughter.

He’s sweet on me. He tells me so.
He wants “a chance” with me. He tells me that too.

Told my two youngest children if he wasn’t married, I’d be his.
Arrogant, huh? LOL. That’s Joe. *smile*
I am his Princess….I get whatever I want, anytime I want.

I know this to be true.
There is much he would do for me if he could.
All I have to do is ask.
He has my back. Always has.
Yeah, I have much affection for this man.

He likes me not being a girly girl.
But notices when I do clean up.
That I will jump o the back of the bike just because I wanna.
That I can talk shit with the best of them when I want.
Not sure I’m particularly proud of that….

I am everything his wife is not. Yah, he told me that. *sighs*
We all look for the opposite of what he have or had, right?
That’s dangerous. And foolish. Misguided. It’s nuthin’ but trouble……nuthin but trouble….

I can make up all kinds of excuses about wanting him to get his marriage straight first.
I can’t take up the space that’s died between them over the past few years.

I can make up all kinds of excuses about wanting his wife’s tacit approval first.
Something she’s given previously, especially if it came with a threesome.
But I get the feeling it’s because she didn’t know what else to do. Their marriage was plenty rocky.

I can make up all kinds of excuses about how I don’t like how he addresses his wife, or how she addresses him and the disrespect I hear in it all.

I offer nothing but excuses in view of my truth and not wanting to be honest with myself as to the real reason I don’t want to sleep with him.
I cannot be entirely honest with him. There is no need. It will be hurtful.

But what happens when he extracts his wife’s approval or attempts righting his marriage? What happens then when he comes back at me?
More excuses from me on why not?

Muse is right when he said this morning over coffee, that the sex would be good, but to be great he personally needs a certain level of intimacy. I get that to my core. Its not a want. It’s a need.

Joe would probably be a good experience.

BUT

The intimacy I require just isn’t there with Joe.
The emotional bond I require just isn’t there with Joe.
The intellectual stimulation just isn’t there with Joe.

It doesn’t prevent me from liking this man.
Or having a great affection and appreciation for him.
I like the attention he lavishes on me.
It’s sweet. It comes with a price.

But it doesn’t satisfy me.
It doesn’t satiate me the way I need.
Connection without sex being a “requirement”……

There is no judgment here. Not for me and not for him.
I just don’t want to play right now.
I will probably never want to play in his sandbox.

I have other tasks before me, even if I know not what all they are….

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6 Responses to I can't….

  1. It is very hard to disappoint someone we care about very much.

    And sometimes…Sometimes my ego needs to know that there’s solace there emotionally. It leads me to follow that impulse not to disappoint…feeds it.

    But it is very difficult to tell someone who is so charmed with me that I don’t want him in return that way. I find myself avoiding it. And I don’t think its about wanting to please. Its about knowing just how hurtful it is to have tender feelings and hopes crushed out…how uplifting they are, even in the knowledge that they can never be.

    ((hugs))

    Like

  2. selkie says:

    seems to me there is good reason for your feelings, and the joy of it all is (as Im learning as I get older) you dont even HAVE to have a good reason or one that he will accept. It must and should be enough that your mind, heart and instinct are saying no.

    I think if he truly is a friend, he’ll accept that. If what he wants merely is sexual, then that will be apparent as well.

    and I dont think youre chicken shit – I find blogging or journalling (which I equate similar) are great ways to get your thought process clear!

    Like

    • Rosa says:

      No, I don’t have to have any reason whatsoever.

      I would like him to accept and understand however.

      Without having to explain it all. Or being pressured.

      Yes what he appears to want is sexual.

      Chicken shit only in that I don’t want him to read about what I feel.

      If I am such a friend, I should speak my truth.

      I find I cannot……

      ((hugs))

      Like

  3. M:e says:

    Do you know Rosa, as I read this I couldn’t help thinking how clearly it comes across that you know you, and you know him, and how the simplest of things might be if he read the words. There’s nothing hurtful here, just honest. If you are truly the best friend he holds you as your honesty would be something he’d value I think. You know that better than anyone though.

    To me, the honesty here is the what makes that friendship real.

    love and hugs xxx

    Like

    • Rosa says:

      What you say is true, M:e.

      I consider it chicken shit to address him this way…..with the words here on this page.

      I don’t know if I have the courage.

      And I don’t want to hurt him.

      Yes there are times I like the affection and consider sleeping with him.
      Maybe even lead him on a bit when I feel like that.
      For that I am sorry. Giving any kind of false hope…….

      But it’s not going to happen. Now now and not anytime soon.

      xoxo

      Like

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