That's my story

What’s yours?

Yah, that’s what I asked him. My ex.
I was feeling a bit kind the other day. Not that I’m not kind…just that I haven’t felt amicable towards my ex. He sent along one of those silly forwards. It was something we were talking about earlier that morning. Actually, he was talking and I was sobbing.

But anyway, I sent it along to a few including my ex.

So what I get back is this:
Friends are people that accept you for what you are. Does that make you my friend? What kind of things are on your mind? I haven’t had a good weekend in years, but thanks anyways.

YIKES!

My reply:
That’s true. Friends also expect the best from each other and don’t buy personal BS or excuses. Friends are allowed to set personal boundaries, too.
Just passing along some sweetness to everyone as it was passed to me by my roommate.
Miss the beach and warm weather in Hawaii sometimes, especially with it getting colder at night.
Must be pretty difficult to not have a good weekend in years. Why not make yourself a good weekend for a change?

Yanno, I got to thinking again about the stories we tell ourselves. We’ve been talking about wanting our ex’s perspective. Not *really* knowing what fell apart or why…our version that lurks behind own rose colored glasses leaves no real lessons learned. Only our perception of them and how that might not be the case at all.

In a few hours I was pretty annoyed. Bitter, so very bitter he is. He’s right in one sense, because I found myself asking why the hell after all this time he couldn’t just say, thank you or something else pleasant as a reply to a kindness. I guess that really isn’t acceptance. He can’t, and I can’t change it.

So I asked in another e-mail.
Yanno what B? I never stopped being your friend.
And I never stopped accepting you for who you were those 15 years or the potential I saw in you.
Remember what I said about friends not accepting BS and excuses? And setting personal boundaries?

Here is the story I tell myself…..

You were the one who couldn’t and wouldn’t make the effort when I asked. So I demanded.
You were the one who walked away from the house, most of your belongings, and my cc’s that were all used for the business.
You were the one who wanted to move on and forced a divorce down my throat.

Do I abdicate all responsibility? No, actually I don’t.

I chose to continue working a schedule you hated because that wasn’t the issue between us. I needed control where I felt there was none.
I chose to force you to deal with stuff you didn’t want to-especially your family and your mother.
And I was a total bitch about it after what I perceived as no cooperation or effort on your part.
Hell, I could be a bitch a lot of the time.
But I never stopped being your friend.

I’m curious, what exactly is the story you tell yourself about it all?

It’s rare when I don’t bother keeping a friendship. Very rare I completely turn away. I’ve only walked away from a few over the course of my life. This forces more questions about forgiveness.

And if true acceptance means there is no need for the forgiveness.
And maybe we weren’t really friends at all…..

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8 Responses to That's my story

  1. selkie says:

    that was intense – and insightful. Oddly, came at a serpendipitious time for me- not in regards to an ex- as in ex-bf or husband but what I think is an ex-friend. Someone I stood beside for 25 years as she struggled with massive personal issues, was narcissistic with it, unreasonable, yet I stood beside her, bolstered her, supported her. Sadly, I have and do think her issues are probably chemically induced – undiagonosed bipolar is my guess – but she refuses responsibility for ANYTHING. In all the years I’ve known her, it was ALWAYS the “other” person’s fault…. I had to bite my tongue so many times from saying “but, C. WHERE is the common denominator here?” as she railed against one ‘bad’ friend, ‘bad’ boyfriend, ‘bad’ job, ‘bad’ parents ….

    and now I am the “bad” friend over a minor incident she feels unforgiveable.

    part of me is almost relieved – becuase to deal with her issues was exhausting. part of me is sad – becuase I worry about her.

    but your words came at a good time.

    one can move on. one can forgive. you just dont forget.

    Like

    • Rosa says:

      I have one of those too selkie. Long story. 26 years of long story. The sister I never had.

      Upshot is that after over three years after being the bad friend out to get her, I initiated contact. We see each other occasionally now. I will be today as a matter of fact. Easing back into it. Funny we picked right back up where we left off. Too much history over the years not too. Although, she made sure to let me know how much she “suffered” by what I did. I don’t regret what happened and my part to bust her for her drug abuse. Told her I was sorry she suffered but I stood by my part.

      I know I will always be suspect and we will never be that close again. And no, I haven’t forgotten that it is all about her. It’s always someone else’s fault too.

      Some things never change. That’s ok. I accept that and the limitations I’ve placed on the friendship now because of it. I do enjoy her company, and her perspective despite all this. But I could walk away again and it wouldn’t be very sad. It would just be.
      Yep, I enhoy her children I helped raise. We have never lost contact. Nor have the children between themselves.
      I should say….our children we raised. 7 between us all within a year apart of each other save her last. The baby in the family……

      I find it odd I can accept all of this….and not other stuff in my life. Not with respect to men anyway…….

      Like

  2. I missed your call this weekend. Bummer dude!!

    Like

  3. Wow…That was a marvy exchange between you and Sorrow. You are both so wise. Thank you! ((big hugs)) to you both.

    Like

    • Rosa says:

      *kisses* wise is not what I feel most of the time…..

      Boundaries blur and the lessons are hard and painful these days…

      Still, I don’t feel I am wrong about all those feelings…..

      Like

  4. Sorrow says:

    I have sat here and tried to write something,
    but I can’t find the words.
    what i want to say, sounds like this…
    the rain falling gentle day after day wears this hole in the ground.
    bigger and bigger, and then it fills it with water.and the frog sings sweetly to her mate, and lays the eggs that become the tad poles, that hop away one day singing. Yet all the while the earth bemoans the whole that the rain has dug.
    does any one part of us every forget the hole? even in the gratitude of everything else?
    I don’t know…
    it was never about me,
    it was always about the way we
    us
    worked
    or didn’t.

    Like

    • Rosa says:

      You are right sorrow….we never do forget the hole do we?

      I need to fill the hole….

      It was too much about me. It was too much about him.
      Where was the (w)hole? A sum greater than its parts.

      The lesson? Making the sum greater than the parts…..

      No, not what I wanted to say…..not “making” the sum greater than the parts, but
      realizing where the sum *is* greater than the parts and capitalizing on it for the (w)hole.

      It’s weird….I just had a thought about this….my recent melt down and issues with my roommate….
      I think of myself as pretty easy…pretty non-demanding. Perhaps that just isn’t so….

      Like

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