A letter to my friend

We talked a few nights ago. It’s rare for us to spend so much time on the phone. Me and the ex-roomie, ex lover, friend in my heart. My buddy. We can talk for hours and hours on chat, but the phone is just not and never has been, our thing.

I sent him this later. Even tho we do give each other privacy. Well…this was too private to utter with him there. I sent him a copy last night anyway after we talked about my previous exchange with the ex and being “demanding” in my previous marriage. And then I told him I knew I was demanding with him as well. He didn’t say anything. Nothing. Not a word. He knows that annoys me when he doesn’t say anything. He knows the annoyance is really a fear. Sometimes what is not said is more important as what is said. He just grinned and grinned. I touched what he has been afraid to really say with clarity. I know it. Hints and me not getting it.

I do this, pass shit on like this to him. For some reason it’s always been critically important he know my process. All of it. Whether it’s harmful or not, I really don’t care. It’s who I am. And maybe that is the important part. I want him to know who I am. Regardless of the icky bits…

He asked me into his bed and for fucking. I needed the time and the release and his safety especially with him gone over the long weekend. So did he.  I wanted that time in him. I let him despite knowing what he craves is lovemaking…but I hesitate to take his hand and lead him off. Kiss him madly. What if he doesn’t respond? My fear of being pushed away. Of not being desirable without the stimulation of toys or porn or……we play a lot this way. We are relaxed around each other enough to explore.

Still, it was important to be asked into his bed and for sex. Silly, huh? Guess I really need to know he wants me there. Not that I am making any presumption about it all.

It was nice to be able to put everything else away for a spell. Still….there was more in it for me this time. Not in “getting that release”, but in feeling of sinking into someone I really love. Fleeting, but there all the same. Tenderness and desire from him as well, above and beyond the fucking. He holds back even tho he says he doesn’t. I can feel that too as easily as he can feel my hesitation to let go.

I’ve had some weird stuff going on. A fire in my belly the last few times with him that I cannot seem to release. No really….it’s a discernible heat. I’m wetter than I have been in months. That’s been an issue for me. Usually need gallons of lube. Might as well by stock. But not the past few times. Surprised him too. He commented on it last night. Fucking him silly……so hard and riding him so long, his cock is sore the next day. He lets me do that after we finish the first time. *grins* I almost always want more. I worry that he thinks he isn’t satisfying me. It’s not that. I have so much energy to release. I’ve always been this way. I fuck until I can’t move. *giggles*
Watching/feeling/having my entire body but especially my pelvis, spasm like never before and without orgasm. Or is it? Not that I don’t orgasm but this is different. I cannot seem to fuck him hard enough to suit me or my body.
During the day I am aware of a tingling at the base of my spine. Just a tingling sometimes. Not numb like sciatica and not off to the side. No pain. Dead center-just tingling.

~~~~~~~~~~

This thing  is forcing a lot of questions and realizations about MY behavior not just with G but with you as well. About how I have always gone about getting what it is I perceive I need or want.

This is what I sent G this morning after our talk last night:

The interpersonal lessons are pretty hard these days, G. Does that mean I am finally learning them? Not at the risk of friendship thank god, but it’s been plenty difficult for the both of us to not walk on eggshells at times. You know. it’s not always him. It’s mostly me trying to find a comfort level with myself. God know he tries and he really has given me the run of the house. And the yard. Whoot!!

It’s funny, I finally figured out that he doesn’t necessarily give me what I want, but he does consistently give me what I need. And, if I back the fuck off he gives me what I have asked for too. Only most of the time I only see it in hindsight….Doesn’t speak well for gratitude and appreciation of who he is and all he does for me. I think I did the same to you. Actually I am sure of it.

He’s such a good man, so why can’t I always just be soft and gentle and loving? I’m not mean or hurtful. That I know.
But I can be sarcastic, bitchy and insolent and too…I think I am more demanding than I think I am.
*sighs* I need to learn to just shut up and do what he wants of me without question. Not push. Accept and act accordingly.

I feel most of the time that I don’t know what it is to really be a woman and give up dominance as my protection from everyone….put away the knife and sword for good. No, not put them away but throw them away.
It is always about protecting our fragile hearts?
Don’t know how to surrender-especially in sex….that letting go eludes me, G.

Between the depression, trying to do enough around here to earn my keep, and being incredibly needy these days…..well, trying way to hard come to mind. Not really knowing how to treat a man comes to mind too. I find myself thinking I just can’t do anything right. Some of that is true….most of it is not.

I need to just let it all go because my confidence and self esteem is at an all time low.

My list of “Haves” over “Needs” and “Desires” is pretty large these days.

But I fear face is going to crack from not genuinely smiling with love and appreciation.
I need to open myself up to it and let it flow outward.

Yanno, there was a point with you when I looked at you and I knew you would never hurt me, had never hurt me and nothing else mattered but how very much Love I feel for you. I know you know that. *soft smile*

Yah. I feel that with him. I know that with him. But so unsure he knows that like you do. Why is it even important? I can’t seem to walk the walk. Words are so fucking easy aren’t they?

And no, it’s not about forgiveness or anything, because I think that in total acceptance…there is nothing to “forgive”.  Anything else is “extracted” at a price to heavy to pay for both parties.

Meditation is quirky and twitchy these days.
Sleep comes hard and is twitchy as well.
Dreams are a torrid affair.

Yanno, that is something you always did for me. You always wrapped me in a cocoon of protection from the world when I slept next to you. I needed that safety.  Thank you.

He does that for me as well. I am grateful. I still need that safety. Must be a girl thing. *grins*

I Love you. And miss your presence. Yah, and dancing and dark beers. *grin* Just wanted to tell you.

xoxo

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6 Responses to A letter to my friend

  1. Mmmm…Sounds like you do worry too much. Just breathing into it feels like the wise thing to do about all this energy stuff…yanno…instead of getting all up in your head about it.

    ((hugs))

    Like

  2. oh…and I’m so happy for your juiciness!! Yay!

    Like

  3. Been ‘listening’ to this one for hours…

    Just listening.

    I love your notes to self and others and your ramblings to figure yourself out.

    Love you too.

    ((big hugs))

    Like

    • Rosa says:

      There is a lot of conflict these days, Shannee.

      I really don’t know what to do with it all except write it.

      And it’s the conflict which raises some red flags for me.
      I’m missing something…..

      He tells me I worry too much.

      Like

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