The I'm Sorry's

There are just too many of them between us.

She always said that anger is a 2ndary response and to look beyond that emotion.
There is some anger…perhaps it’s just frustration…rising in me today.

Have I made you that uncomfortable here in your own house?
That’s a rhetorical question.

I am to some degree. Still. Still feeling my way around.
I never know what to expect and it’s a bit disconcerting because you know me so well.
You can hide more easily it seems, but I can not even if I don’t say a word. That’s disconcerting as well on some level.

I’m sorry comes out of our mouths way too often and it’s predicated on, for you I think as well as me, as not good enough or not doing enough. We each do plenty and plenty for each other.

I could take all the responsibility with my self esteem being so low these days. And my constant desire to please. Once again I could easily feel not good enough.
It’s my insecurity right now.
You have your own. They are much the same as mine.

I think we both give the other reasons to believe we aren’t good enough, despite all the conversations otherwise. It’s subtle. We still have expectations from each other. Ways we would like the other to act but don’t always do so. Thinks we would like the other to do, but don’t. Words we would like to hear, but don’t.

I’m talking about day to day living.

I am not tagging this as good or bad. It just is and it comes with anyone living together.

You must be tired of apologizing for who you are.
I am tired of apologizing for who I am.
We don’t need to utter so many of the apologies do we really?

We’re both human and have faults. We cannot *always* be what the other wants. Not with respect to our actions or our words.

Neither one of us are “predictable” people as much as it would make life easy and uncomplicated.
And as much as we would like to think we are, we are not.

Susan was predictable. It made you feel safe.
Ben was predictable. It made me feel safe.

We could railroad the other, and get our way, couldn’t we?
Really, we got what we asked for.

We had “control” as the other wasn’t really interested. It was easy, and non threatening. We didn’t have to think all that much. We just moved through it. We knew the other would just go along with whatever it is we wanted. Is that really acceptance or laziness in relationship?

I didn’t have to bother learning something new about my partner.
I didn’t have to bother because nothing seemed to bother him.
Nothing. And if it did, he just never bothered to say.
I guess the relationship just wasn’t important enough to bother….
I think it goes more to laziness in relationship.

I don’t want that in my life again. It’s flat.
I’m not talking about “conflict” as in differences in opinion or “fighting”.

Yah, I get making things too complicated. I do that.
I worry too much. I over think.

You just hide yours better by keeping it to yourself.

I don’t. I process verbally. It’s process and it’s not always the end result. Sometimes it is, frequently it’s not.
I need to remember that same thing about you too. You tell me a lot in the course of our conversations, and a lot of it is process too. Not decision. Not the end result.

I’m glad you didn’t shut her down last night by telling her she was too needy.
Yes, she would be plenty ashamed.
She might even say she was sorry.

But you haven’t shut her down.
It’s only a matter of time….
Before you are apologizing to her.

I’m ashamed of my neediness too.
And I shouldn’t.
I don’t want to apologize for it…..
I just want to change how I feel about it.

We don’t have to feel sorry about how or who we are….not “for” anyone else now do we?
That’s not what I want.
I don’t think it’s what you want either.

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2 Responses to The I'm Sorry's

  1. Rosa says:

    we are both so very fucked up


  2. Being with people who challenge us is hard work isn’t it…?

    Worthwhile too if they take you to your best self…

    ((hugs)) You are working so hard emotionally. Be gentle on yourself eh?



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