So, I called this morning.
Hey, how are you doing? I was just wondering how everything was going.
I was going to call you later today.
Translation for both of us. Thinking about you. *smile*
So we talked about places we both know in the area, in the manner of nothing of the past strangling us. It was…familiar…nice….easy.
Yah I was thinking this morning. Hesitating with phone in hand. Told myself when he left, I wouldn’t “bother” him on vacation. I should wait for him to call. Let it be on his terms. Fearful he was still mad. That he wouldn’t want to talk. I really didn’t have much to say anyway. So I thought about that. My fear. Why? What did I really want by making this phone call anyway?
So I thought about that. What I was actually thinking *about* him. Hoping he was having a good time on the beach. A good time with family. Clam chowder, sand dollars, worn rocks and jade. Warm weather. Wondering if he had gotten to my favorite beach.
It wasn’t to feel him out if he was still mad. It didn’t matter right now if he was or wasn’t. I wanted to call. I miss his presence and wanted him to know I was thinking of him. I miss his soft voice talking to me. Period. Nothing more.
And then it shifted a to the comments about One….
One to take the first step
One to give with an open heart
One to forgive the hurts
One to trust
One to believe
One to hope
One to show the way
One to love ones self enough
I wanted more than anything else to be One today. Not wait for him to call.
When you believe it you act it out.
So what is it I choose to believe? Do I act on my fear? Or what I want? To have an open heart? To stop fighting, grasshopper?
So. I called.
Sometime later, Sounds great. *softly* Love you, Miss you.
It doesn’t matter what he said. *grin*
It’s what this One wanted to say.
I want to start doing things for me.
This is a good start.
So be it.