Tired

I’m so tired.  So very tired of living this thing called life right now…and it hasn’t been near as hard as it has been in the past.

It’s been more than a few times over the past 7 months I have come close to leaving.  Packing and leaving like a ship in the night.   I thought of it early November, Thanksgiving Day and again this weekend.  Just go and get on with”it”, whatever “it” is, in whatever way I can.

I don’t see myself as a quitter because I’m not and never have been.  Even if I have stalled myself quite effectively the past few months with insecurity and mounting fear spiraling out of control.

Boy that’s quite the dilemma now isn’t it? Being tired of living, wanting to cut and run, and not being a quitter. Hmmmm……

It’s never been my style to run.   But it’s more my style meet problems head on, give myself a few head lumps in the process, shove someone who is in the way on their ass, but ultimately solve whatever needs to be solved, and then move it along whether I had any support for what I was doing, or not.   I ran away to Hawaii needing space and something different.  Hey, it was midlife crisis and I was going to have it my way, lol.     But I think this “approach” is partially due to my impatient Capricorn nature and partially because I just don’t particularly like “stalled”.  Maybe they are one in the same. Don’t know.

I promised myself a few years ago I would *never* run again,  not from me and not from him or whatever he needed to say to me.    We had had a fight over something inappropriate I said in a playground.  When he called me on it….I hesitated, ran, hesitated, ran, and then came back willing to hear him out and trusting it would be okay…somehow.

Trusting it is okay.

And if I do that, trust it is okay, will be okay…that our friendship stands the test of time because really there is a deep love involved for the both of us….then how can I just disappear?   I cannot just leave without so much as a  hug.   I think he would be hurt beyond measure.  I would be….That’s unreasonable and unacceptable…..And I won’t break my promise…..

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