My heart ached and then broke a little last night for the man who dropped the shield, who put down the sword, and cried in my arms while we drank Champagne. No one lies when they are drunk, he says. I need to get drunk. No, not to get happy (we’re both happy drunks). I don’t feel happy tonight.
What’s on your mind tonight that you need to courage of alcohol to loosen your lips?
Confessions of Love and Loss and of Hopes and Dreams of the one he cannot have but loves like no other filled the empty room. Morning, noon and night. His longing. Discussions of not feeling what others *believe* we do for them….or what they *want* us to feel for them….of what they *hope* they feel for us. Of having the feelings go both ways. How it sucks when it doesn’t. Or can’t…..Of the choice of being lonely or settling. They are the same thing are they not? Yes. Settling and being lonely in it. Something we promised each other we would never do. Settle for less. But we have and loneliness propels us into that fast burn that has nothing whatsoever to do with quality or quantity of sex. Not lust in any form whatsoever. Love. Undying Love. Of K. Of N. Of T. Of G. What does it mean to Love? How much pain? Is it worth it?
Talk of being sorry for loving someone, of having a regret. Of wanting Love in return because even though we profess to give unconditionally….we do in fact want the love in return. The acceptance. How can we not? We are human.
I offer my philosophy of no shame and no regret for loving anyone with an open heart. No matter what the pain to us personally. Soft words. He hears but he doesn’t hear. He can’t.
I make him move forward as to sit behind him and envelop him in my arms with my head resting on his back, trying to calm and smooth a bit. Soft touch. He feels but he doesn’t feel. He can’t.
If? In time? What would happen? The answer is no good…..
I wish I could fix this. Take your pain away, I say. You can’t, he says. He smiles faintly at my gesture, knowing the kindness and caring. We talked of the magic wand. If I could make you happy beyond all measure I still wouldn’t. You told me, he said. Yes, I would for you. Hell Yes. Because you are smart enough to know the work you still have to do. Ouch. I don’t feel like that…
Neither one of us has done the work. The really hard work. Why? Because we both knew in our hearts, it wasn’t necessary. It wasn’t yet “right”. It isn’t yet right. The right time, the right place, the right person.
Over the past 6 months, I decided that it wasn’t the women I was picking, he says. I decided it is me….
We laid on the couch for a time side by side. Still talking of heartbreak. What to do about it. My arms around him again. It’s all I can offer besides listening and asking questions designed to draw him out. Designed to dump the emotions which I know have been a source of not really happy for the past two weeks….
He thinks I don’t notice. I do. I just wait for him to talk. It always comes out. Always. We’re like that with each other. Knowing each others darkest secrets. Rawest emotions. The truth of wants and needs and desires….
We don’t, I think, sometimes realize how much we rely on each other…
This time, my turn. I tuck him into bed.
I Love you so much. You do know that don’t you?
Yes, he says, I Love you too.
I know…Always known…
I’m glad we can be that for each other what we are. I’m glad I Love with my heart, him, this Man. I’m glad he loves with his heart, me, this Woman.