What is it?
What fuels your fire?
What propels you along your path?
Do you even have a path?
Do you know that much about yourself?
Talking late…of geeky and not so geeky stuff….
Of the periodic table. Of electrical charges. Of protons and electrons and neutrons.
Brushing up on shells and subshells, atomic weights, atomic numbers, covalance and ionic bonding.
What does it all mean? How does it work?
God that makes me wet…*giggles* No, really, really makes me wet.
It charges me, stretches me to think. I am a geek.
The other, of people we know.
Who has it and who doesn’t. Not sex.
Most simply do not. They have no passion. They have a life. My friend Chris. She has a house. She has a life. She owns a salon. It’s good. But it’s not the same….She has no passion. Maybe once she did. I don’t really know.
Some, wanting something they can never be because those things belong to others. They will never try…working towards nothing, waiting for someone to hold their hand and drag them along. Using some one else’s motivation but having no real interests. And not really being “interesting”.
Some escape in others to make themselves whole. Some escape in the experience of sex. The control of submission. In alcohol. To be what others perceive they want them to be. Some create the illusion of Love. Jobs but no professions. No real accomplishments. No success. No failure. Fear of the first step.
No “driver” except finding the “perfect” man to take them away. Fanciful illusions….the ugly duckling to the swan….of the catipillar to a butterfly…the phoenix rising. The someday but not now as I can’t do it myself….and as something they are not nor never will be. No motivation. But plenty of victim cards…plenty of “circumstance” cards, plenty of “my hard, hard life” cards. Plenty of “drama” cards. Plenty of “he done me wrong” cards. Plenty of “pity” cards. Plenty of plastic cards….
Others….the dream of a clinic..the dream of school…the dream of designing. The dream of a book. The dream of better. White picket fences and the perfect house, the perfect relationship…working damn hard to have it and damn hard to keep it. Striving for the dream. Practicing the crafts of the dream. Devotion to the dream. Their dream…not someone else’s dream.
Mine has always been plants. Or something to do with plants. Science. More science…process.
Writing. Sketching plants.
Other interests are lesser, and there are plenty.
But just about everything I do that really burns fire within me is centered and integrated with plants….*grin*
I make them have sex against their will. Fascinating.
My driver? “Why?” drives me. Piecing bits to make the whole, drives me. Taking the whole and seeing the bits, drives me. Experiences drive me. Touching it drives me.
Because I want to…because it seems like a good idea, drives me.
Morro Bay, Avila, Pismo, San Luis Obispo….
My white picket fence:
A house near the ocean.
Lots of sand dollars and shells and jade and rocks worn smooth..
Citrus trees, grape vines, nut trees, coffee trees, orchids, hoyas.
A few heirloom chickens.
Floor to ceiling bookshelves with a rail and a ladder.
A nice kitchen….a really nice kitchen for baking and preserving what I grow.
A big bathtub.
Lots and lots of windows
A small studio for painting, drawing and writing a book.
A loom for weaving
Dye pots for dying
Silk fabric…lots of it.
Yarns of the softest animal hairs
My very own used bookstore in town. Within walking distance from home.
Having enough….Not having extravagant. I’m not an extravagant kind of person.
I’m materialistically simple.
Enough to travel a few times a year.
Jewelery and fine china don’t interest me.
A small sailboat does…Hell, a canoe to explore the inlet and mudflats interests me.
A pair of good binoculars, a microscope….those things interest me.
The sound of the ocean rocking me to sleep
Better yet, with my 10 cow, best friend, forever and ever guy’s arms.
I want what I want and yes, I will have it….
Maybe not today. But all the todays work for the tomorrows.
For the dreams..
Greece this coming year. Maybe Australia.
I’m happy today. I’m happier than I have been for some time.
Driven. Sure. Working towards the dream. Not just dreaming the dream. *smile*
Do you have them?
Do you think them unattainable?
Something everyone does but no one really “gets” for themselves?
Do you dare?
Or are you faking it like the rest?
A fat marshmallow….appealing for the sweet coating on the outside….with nothing of substance on the inside.
I’m full and overflowing. Always have been….
Nope, not settling for the marshmallow. Empty is empty….