November 9 2009

I have to preface this as this particular post was born out of a ongoing personal discussions with a friend; It does not apply to anyone else.  I don’t want to hear what submission – especially in the context of bdsm, means to you.   I have been told that the desire and ability to “let go” in these situations has to be with wanting no thought about having any responsibility of doing so.  That’s fine, I could probably use a bit of that from time to time.  I am only addressing our need to control.  That of me and this particular friend…..and where our hearts lay because of it….and the fact that aside from this one area, those not wanting to taking any responsibility for theirs lives and actions is unpalatable.  Ahhhh….life and sex don’t intersect do they?  Or do they?

That a year ago if asked, you would have said you didn’t want a submissive woman is interesting.  You had a very submissive woman for the past 4 years both sexually and otherwise. You knew, if not directly then indirectly, and used it to benefit both of you.   I honestly think it’s a big part of what it made it so good for you.  Just as mine was with my ex.  Absolute control.  We both had it and we both used it well to get what we wanted. Mind blowing sex thinking it was “Love”.  Perhaps a part of it was.  Perhaps a bigger part of it wasn’t. And this is what I ultimately believe.

Can we identify what this really is?  What it is we wanted from the submission?  From being in “control”?

I’ll offer up that this whole thing it is not about wanting submission or liking a submissive bed partner. It is actually wanting to surrender.  Submission and surrender are not synonymous.

When it comes down to it, the reason we like/want/crave that submission in sex is simply one of hiding.  Of protecting ourselves and our hearts.

If we always control the “action” especially on a sexual level, we never have to return what we really want or what others really want from us.  It is ultimately the same as what we require from all others.  And that is total surrender-not submission-of our heart and ourselves and being in that moment. Absolute trust.  You don’t trust the exact same way I don’t trust.  Almost….but not enough. We have all been hurt.  That hurt, however minimal we make it out to be, still left a large scar.

Fears of not good enough are always the undertow. Trust is the riptide that carries us further away….

Not being “Man” enough often enough, not big enough, not strong enough, not pleasing enough, too heavy, too thin, to pale, not muscular enough, not rich enough, not powerful enough, not smart enough, not big enough boobs, not tall enough, not blue eyed, not a tight enough pussy, not curvy enough, not “Woman” enough often enough, not warm enough, not soft enough, not enough muscle control and all that meaningless shit of perceived preferences we project on to ourselves and others.

Oh sure.  We may not carry that “not good enough” into other personal traits such as caring,  generous, or attentive.  That we believe ourselves to be a good “catch”….a good man….a good women is true. We are.

Yet, we grow impatient with those who will not or cannot surrender. They become “Less” in our eyes.  Faulty. It becomes a personal affront to integrity. That is a “cover” for the real issue. It conveniently allows us not to look at ourselves but judge others with our same faults. It becomes, “You don’t trust ME.  I am trustworthy.  Don’t you see that? There must be something wrong with YOU”.

No one is questioning integrity. They are questioning themselves, just as we do. They fear, just as we fear. We perform internal risk assessments.  We are given a gift, turn it over and over in our hands and then continue to say…what if I open it, what if?

I do not questioning the integrity. It speaks for itself.  I question hiding the same way you question hiding. Of being afraid. Of having a shield around our hearts. Of using, “It’s all in your mind” and “just let go”, as an excuse for not giving what we need under the guise of fear of getting exactly we want.

It’s not in our minds.  It’s our heart we protect. This is true of men and woman. And more than we are willing to admit.

However, is it misplaced when we use it to manipulate the situation because we can’t do what we require from others.  We attempt to involve our hearts when really, we don’t.  We conceal ourselves behind controlling the “action”.  The better we “perform” or look like we are performing by letting a partner have all the enjoyment, and not wanting that much for ourselves, the more it looks like our heart is there. We are giving and loving when we cannot and want no one else to know. But we do know……And sometimes, others do to whether they give it voice or not….

Haven’t we done this with each other?  And we consistently do this with others.  Why?

We don’t know how to receive because we can’t trust. We don’t trust because we believe the “not good enough” from old wounds.

What would happen if each one of us surrendered the same way we require of others, instead of falsely using “submission” as the so called desired outcome for someone else?

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