stuck in neutral

This post, the last e-mail, is only the beginning of another long journey inward….

A few weeks ago I received a call from my daughter.  She relayed the story of my ex, Ben, the man who raised her.   A man who I’ve had no contact with since 5 September 2009. A man who I asked for a separation in November of 2005.  A man who asked for a divorce a year later.  Those divorce papers were signed on my 50th birthday in 2007.

He is in a coma in a hospital in Tuscon.  A bicycle accident.  She was soliciting help to find some mutual friends of his as the bequest of his sister, Andrea.

I did.

It was over a week before his sister contacted me with the full story. I was starting to doubt if she would bother….We’ve had no contact since we separated almost 5 years ago.

The bottom line: he is in a long term care facility after having a car door opened in front of him while riding his bicycle.  They medically induced a coma because of the severe brain injuries he sustained.  He spent 3 months in Tuscon in a homeless shelter after moving there because of health issues related to a quadruple bypass the year before.

The prognosis for his recovery is this:  His recovery will be measured by his recovery.

He can perform simple tasks when asked….He can eat and feed himself and such.

He speaks gibberish.  He makes no sense.

I wonder if he knows…..if it frustrates him?

They say that the person who was may  not be the person who returns.

I wonder if he will return?

My daughter and I talked of the benefits of going to see him…and of the benefits of remembering someone as they were.

He was apparently trying to get back on his feet.  Counselors at the shelter helped him find a place and a small garage to work out of to fix cars so he could support himself.  He had a cell phone but no internet and no car; he emailed from the library and rode his bike.

They contacted Andrea after finding her listed as his next of kin at the address where he lived.  He was to be evicted for not meeting his rent.

The only reason my daughter was contacted was because when his sister plugged in his dead cell phone she saw the many missed calls from my daughter.  She was trying to get hold of him to see if he was going with her to the annual Pikes Peak Hill Climb event they went to for the past 18 years together.

My talk with Andrea that day was sweet and filled with love.

We both wonder the same thing.

What to do with it…..

And I wonder too,

What does forgiveness really mean…..

I really don’t know.

I don’t really feel one way or the other about this whole thing….

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