the last e-mail

I sent him one of those silly forwards someone sent me…ohhhh…sometime in September last. I was touched and thought it would be…well…nice, thoughtful, sweet, caring….

Here is the context of the rest of that email:

Friends are people that accept you for what you are. Does that make you my friend? What kind of things are on your mind? I haven’t had a good weekend in years, but thanks anyways.

My reply:
That’s true. Friends also expect the best from each other and don’t buy personal BS or excuses. Friends are allowed to set personal boundaries, too.
Just passing along some sweetness to everyone as it was passed to me.
Miss the beach and warm weather in Hawaii sometimes, especially with it getting colder at night.
Must be pretty difficult to not have a good weekend in years. Why not make yourself a good weekend for a change?

In a few hours I was pretty annoyed. Bitter, so very bitter he is. He’s right in one sense, because I found myself asking why the hell after all this time he couldn’t just say, thank you or something else pleasant as a reply to a kindness. I guess that really isn’t acceptance. He can’t, and I can’t change it.

So I asked in another e-mail.
Yanno what Ben? I never stopped being your friend.
And I never stopped accepting you for who you were those 15 years or the potential I saw in you.
Remember what I said about friends not accepting BS and excuses? And setting personal boundaries?

Here is the story I tell myself…..

You were the one who couldn’t and wouldn’t make the effort when I asked. So I demanded.
You were the one who walked away from the house, most of your belongings, and my cc’s that were all used for the business.
You were the one who wanted to move on and forced a divorce down my throat.

Do I abdicate all responsibility? No, actually I don’t.

I chose to continue working a schedule you hated because that wasn’t the issue between us. I needed control where I felt there was none.
I chose to force you to deal with stuff you didn’t want to-especially your family and your mother.
And I was a total bitch about it after what I perceived as no cooperation or effort on your part.
Hell, I could be a bitch a lot of the time.
But I never stopped being your friend.

I’m curious, what exactly is the story you tell yourself about it all?

No answer…..
And now, I know I will never receive one……..There is no hope for that. Not ever…..

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