Everything is. Predicated on perspective of the individual. We may take others perspectives into account, give the validity where we need or want; but what it comes down to is when all is said an done, it becomes our perspective.
It’s been a little over a year now that I stopped writing here. Oh, a few posts here and there but nothing consistent with the past 6 years when I started writing aloud and well over 4 since I started this blog in this place.
Careless phrasing here so as to not reveal names lead to part of this blog being copied and thrown back in the face of another with questions about trust. Not intentional, but intent doesn’t matter when it stirs the turds. I took the blame. All of it. I was ordered to erase all mention of my best friend contained in these pages. All references to Muse, friend, lover, etc., had to go. So insecure and threatened by the impending loss of a friendship that meant so much to me, I painfully complied. I combed through over 350 posts and removed those references from my life. And then just as painfully closed this place down because after all, how can one erase 5 years of life in a blink? How can one erase one of their closest and most respected friends from all memory? It was not his directive to close this down but he made it clear he never again wanted to read what I wrote here. I was heartbroken. Suddenly my writing was unwelcome. My writing is ME. Good, bad, sloppy, creative, funny, sad, passionate, bittersweet, heartfelt warts and all of ME. Me was now being rejected out of hand…..
I tried to journal on paper. I tried to journal in word docs. Neither worked so I shut myself off completely. It’s been a year in hell. Writing is clarifying and healing. My process. And the process includes being fearless with putting myself out there for all to see.
This weekend I decided I had enough self imposed exile. My words are my heart and soul and always have been. I’ve written journals since I was a teen. Burned most of them in disgust and anger over the years. I have never written for anyone else. And while I’ve occasionally written to others through my words here, the words were my process; and were always, in time, spoken *to* that person, in person.
My mistake in all of this was taking all the blame assigned me. Letting another be unreasonable with me. And predicating my life on what served another instead of myself. I thought I was being gracious and loving by complying. So threatened by the loss of love, I copped out. I stopped an integral part of me. I stopped loving a part of myself.
Now, one year later, I find I was right all along. The action was nothing more than dart for dart and dagger for dagger. Thankfully, that is recently healed. There is no more pissing or dagger throwing. And I have no time for unreasonableness or demands with the loss of friendship thrown in my face as the ultimate punishment.
I don’t need to argue, or beg or plead. It’s my perspective and I am entitled to it.
Predicated on perspective. And this one is mine…..