Tomorrows

Next week I travel again. This time I am taking a break to see a very special and close friend; my spiritual mentor. There is no one on this earth who heals me and protects me like he does. Gene is a longstanding ex; ex-b/f, ex-landlord, ex-roommate, ex-dancing partner, ex-drinker of dark beer and shots of tequila, ex-walker of the beach with me in Hawaii, co-conspirator, keeper of secrets, and partner in crime. Oh the trouble we’ve gotten in together over the years. Mostly over the jealously of other women and their rank misunderstanding of our love. There are two things he will never be. He never has and never will be an ex-friend. He never has been and never will be an ex-lover. What was that old movie with Mary Tyler Moore? Where she and her lover meet once a year, every year as they grew old. Yah, that’s me and Gene for the rest of our lives. It’s a rare blessing to have an Anam Cara. We are bound forever through time.

Monday I fly to his place in Sausalito to be warm and safe in his arms, and present with his mind. He soothes me without touch over the thousands of miles that separate us. I need the safety right now. My energy flies willy-nilly across the universe as it pulses and surges out of my skin. It’s a physical pain I cannot soothe myself. Meditation only pushes it away for a time. I have been stripped bare and cannot shield myself effectively anymore. He will allow me to dump my energy without harm.

Thursday I fly to San Luis Obispo, rent a car and spend time at Pismo, Avila, Morro Bay and Montano del Oro. It will also be a feast for my soul; miles of beaches and the sound of the ocean, crab and avocado cocktail, picking sand dollars just after high tide, jade for her from Montano del Oro, a new hat for a friend from the hat store on the Embarcadero in Morro Bay, creamy clam chowder in a bread bowl, sailing boats, terns, mudflats on the Pacific Flyway, seals, the taste of salt in the air.

I will also look for a small place to rent there. I see no reason to stay here in Colorado. At least not today. I will probably choose to break my promise to never cut and run, and run. Nothing good can come of it. Nothing. I was a willing participant.

There is nothing to forgive, I too made a conscious choice to participate, and my love is unconditional. I’m not angry at him. Our relationship the past 5 years will never be a regret. I don’t do regrets. But right now, I am without hope. And my heart hurts.

I am thinking of selling everything I own and starting over again. Anonymously….

I cannot cut the string alone without doing serious harm to myself in the process.
I want to feel nothing at all but I cannot….

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