balance, forgiveness and complicity

I walk along the edge of the sword today. On the one side of the sword is forgiveness,
the other side if the sword is blame. The longer I walk the edge, the deeper the cuts on my feet.

It’s easiest to forgive when we examine our own complicity. Where does my part begin? Where does my part end? My part is not taking all the blame. And where my part ends it is not an assignment of blame to another. It’s simply an acknowledgement of “not mine to do something with”.
The forgiveness is not about anyone but myself and my part of being complicit.
To do otherwise is still blaming another. I forgive YOU for doing this TO ME.

I remember one time about 3 years ago. He broke the agreement between us to never have another woman in the house with me there without my consent, or giving me an opportunity to find something else to do for the night. He bought her home late that night after their date. And woke me as they fucked in the next room. So I left to walk the beach, coming home only after he called to say she was gone. The next morning saw sadness in each others eyes. He did not blame the alcohol the night before on his choice. He didn’t ask for my forgiveness. He gave me the right to be angry. And then I felt myself make a conscious decision to just let it go. Intent ceased to matter. Nothing mattered except that I loved him unconditionally. It was my heart.

Can I do this here, is the question I face today. Can I find my heart with the hurt? There is one part I am stumbling on. The assignment of blame to me and a perceived refusal to allow my feelings; right, wrong or otherwise. When someone tells me another makes them feel guilty, my response is that they need to look inside themselves first because maybe it’s their heart speaking. When someone tells me I make them feel they are always a disappointment to me, my response is that maybe they need to look inside and question if they are in fact a disappointment to themselves.

Don’t assign me power I do not possess.

Or is all of this chatter rationalizations and assignment of blame back on to someone other than myself? Validation wanted for my view, and the acknowledgement I feel I am due anything as a person, a woman, and a friend? A refusal to consider his view? His feelings? My refusal to be considerate and respectful of another’s wishes?

There is a part of me that thinks so. And then, there is a part of me that thinks I am harming myself taking blame I feel isn’t mine and trying (as I always do) to do something about it where nothing can or should be done.

Part of me wants to beat his chest until I fall, exhausted onto the floor for pushing me away when I risk my nakedness before him. For being honest. For being loving. For being patient.

I want him to let me acknowledge it without tears and in his presence as raw and animalistic as it needs to be. And then I want him to tell me he understands. He will not. He cannot. He should not. It’s not his dues to pay to me. It is patently unfair, no matter how I feel. It’s not examining and owning my complicity. It’s not owning what is really in my heart.

I need to fall on the side of forgiving myself before I cut the feet off my legs and cannot walk the sands of time….It wouldn’t serve me….

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