I have kept myself busy the past few days in an effort to distract my mind from wandering into to the darkness of anger and blame.
Music plays on the computer from the time I get up until after I fall asleep well into the night. I don’t sleep more than a few hours at a time before I wake again to stare out my bedroom window and listen to the traffic in the distance.
My house is coming along. Finished moving the one bedroom. Moved it all myself except for the bed. He will help me with the futon downstairs for the spare bedroom upstairs. I’m not as strong as I used to be. And some things need 4 hands.
Smoking to much. Drinking too much coffee. Eating too little. Geocaching when I can to get myself out of the house to feel the warmth. It’s been unseasonably warm here. Blue skies only the Colorado altitude and clean air can produce. The Aspens are changing. It’s late almost 3 weeks this year.
Been letting myself sit and meditate when I feel anxiety or anger rise into my throat. It helps for a time. So I take short breaks to distract myself from falling into the abyss.
Most if not all the anger is gone, as is the need to voice it to anyone. It makes no difference if I voice my opinions or not.
There’s fear. Fear of not being able to get it right. Not with him in friendship. And not for anyone else. Fear of settling for less than I want. Or than I deserve. Because the standards are so dammed high. Fear that our friendship might languish into dust. There is sadness in that; that “might”. But that is nothing but a projection into the future that might become a self fulfilling prophecy. No one knows what the future holds.
In the stillness between the beats when the mind chatter and the fear is gone, and my heart is allowed to speak; I have no strong feelings either way. I was taught that whenever I feel ambivalent about something-especially in meditation-that doing nothing about it is the best course of action. No action is an action that is not a re-action. It also means there is a lessening of any attachment to outcome.
It’s where I need to be with myself. For myself.
The most I am willing to do to retain honor and walk with grace, is to set the rocks of anger and blame gently on the path and leave them there. It’s a shame to not Love. There is sadness in that for me. There is no beauty in deliberately turning love to hate with our ego. There is sadness in me that I was willing to do just that. So I sit with those tears. It’s better that way.
The words float by but I can’t seem to grab enough of them…or rearrange them in a way that pleases me. So maybe I will sketch instead. Or take a ride in the mountains to collect a few of those red and yellow aspen leaves.