I did everything I could to stall yesterday. Changing my clothes far too many times. Makeup. fixed my hair until it wouldn’t behave. Finally got out of the house early afternoon. Stopped for coffee. Stopped for cigarettes. Drove to the hospital…..
I’m stalling now. It’s no one’s favorite task. Not yesterday. Not today. Not tomorrow…
They fused her cervical vertebrae yesterday morning. They will repair the 5 breaks in her pelvis this afternoon. They tell me a leg and arm is broken as well.
The room is dim, almost dark. My eyes adjust slowly, Skinny chrome arms reaching out, machines with buttons and eerie green displays, and clear tubing everywhere. The stench of disinfectant.
I don’t really know where to touch. Afraid to cause any more pain.
A hand, a shoulder, her face are the only parts uncovered. Gently, I reach over the railing and touch her hand and then her shoulder. I love you honey, I whisper in her ear and stroke her hair.
She’s barely lucid and can only look straight up because of the collar, but recognizes my voice. *tears*
That you C?
I breathe myself into her. She lets me in slowly but not hesitantly; deeper and deeper.
I’m swirling in the darkness of her. Muddy. Confused.
An empty shell. I simply cannot feel the essence of her. Nothing. Just her broken body.
I keep my fear in check as I withdraw myself. Slowly. I keep stoking her hair.
How you feeling?
I’m soooo tired. Need. To. Sleep. Just pushed. The druggy button, she whispers.
Honey, I’m going to send Linda and Robin in now. They don’t have much time before they have to go back. I’ll come back and see you. I promise. Ok? I Love you. I kiss her cheek. Gently. Oh so gently.
OMG, she’s broken. The she-goat woman who shares a birthday year and a birthday week with me. I can’t fix the one who takes multitasking and “get ‘er done” to a whole ‘nuther level. I can’t fix this woman who has taken care of everyone. Just because they needed…
I want to scream and cry and puke all at the same time.
I want to look her in the eyes and connect. In my mind I beg, Hear me please….
Listen, You She-Goat. SURRENDER. Let those who know, fix your bones. Sink into yourself and find your heart. Mend it. We will wash you clean with our Love for you and your departed Beloved. We need to help you. You need to let us. You cannot do it all alone. For once, help us help you.
But she’s not listening. She’s not there. She’s broken.