what I did on my summer vacation

is the answer to your question about my personal growth:

The catalyst was you laying a belt on my ass about a year ago with perfect precision to change my perception of reality. And although you didn’t like the re-action towards you, it was, I believe now, a trigger memory from the last time my mother hit me with a belt. You got the brunt of that (repressed) memory.

The next day, finding myself ridiculously horny and proud of the mark, I was able to make the profound and much needed disconnect of being beaten by my mother in her anger from what you did, and a “belt”. There was no abuse. No anger. Just instruction on reality. I knew you wouldn’t cause me harm or I wouldn’t have done it.. You didn’t. I liked the soreness for the ensuing 4 days, and the (your) perfect stripe on my ass that lasted a week. *blushes* I felt cared for because you took the time to show me I was wrong. I saw and felt that care for a week as proof. on my body. Not abused at the hand of another. I ALLOWED it to happen. It wasn’t you, it was me who was in control of the decision to and then not in control at the same time……

A few months later; after experiencing both times with the wax, the resulting subspace and your suggestion to join and learn…well, I thought I had no other choice left but to delve deeper. I was stagnating.
After reading for months and stepping out to meet others….I realized I wasn’t so weird after all. In fact I was / am quite a bit tamer than the rest.

The exploration prompted questions in my mind on anther level.

The first and most was, Who am I? Really, deep down inside, Who the Hell am I?
Am I a switch because of my dominance at work and over others at times? NO
Was I submissive in all aspects of my life? Or only when it suited me? Or when I thought I could “get something” from it. OUCH! Where did it cross the line from serving me to harming me and others standing by me?
Where was my default operational procedure out of fear and habit, vs my comfort and happy zone?
My commitment to myself and others. Was I a coward???? NO.

With more reading came more interaction with others and more questions begging to be answered (or at least considered in the whole of who I am and who I am not and who I want to strive for).

Responsibility to ourselves
Accountability for our actions
Responsibility to others
What is and what is not our concern
Blame and taking blame that is not ours
Not fixing everything or everybody
Helpful and loving from the heart vs being manipulative
Acceptance
Internal beauty vs outward beauty vs taking care of oneself
Looking at my impatience and where it doesn’t serve me
Confidence
Compassion
Walking with grace
Reaction or not reacting to anger (fears)
Being able to voice what I feel constructively without making another or myself feel so defensive.
Being a lady
Creating healthy boundaries but leaving an open door to new ideas and concepts
The recognition that to be whole relies on my willingness to get there and believe in my ability to get there because if not, no one, (not even you as my best friend who has never walked away from me) would be able to see me as worthy of anything-not even friendship. All in all-after Ben and I split-nope, not worthy of a fucking thing. I could not serve anyone, most of all not even myself. I could not come from that place in my heart to serve anyone if I could not first acknowledge my own heart.
Where I once thought that sex was the ultimate expression of trust and Love and caring-I am really questioning that notion as well.
Being more fair, and more reasonable but still fighting for what I believe.
Speaking from my heart and not a place of fear
Not taking on everyone else’s moods as something I must have done-my fault or mad *at* me. It’s not about me most of the time. Yes I know we can influence. But ultimately everyone has a choice on how to “act” and “re-act”. I can’t force anyone to be unkind as much as I could force anyone to be kind.
I am responsible for MY feelings and MY actions. No one else’s.

I have a lot to learn. I don’t yet have answers to all of them and likely will find those will change over time.

Am I changing? Or moderating better? Am I putting the BIG sword to elements of myself and my behaviors instead of to others all the time as I have used in the past as a technique for hiding? I believe this to be true. I believe I am changing and emerging. Trading long held habits and old thoughts for new. A phoenix? A butterfly? Morphing? A Changling……

Each and every time I experience pain, I feel slightly different- sharper, cleaner, more clear, more polished, more focused.

There is something else I touched on with you in my email last week. And something I have mentioned to you in passing before with respect to my The little girl and my own relationship with my father. Watching you with your daughter and feeling I never had a “Daddy”. I don’t even remember sitting in his lap. Not ever. He taught me all kinds of technical geeky stuff. But he never held me, yelled at me, instructed me the way I see you are for your little girl. I just don’t remember that at all.

For the first time I am also looking pretty closely at her, her place, her needs, and her desires vs my adult and the wounds that bubble out to the surface. There is little doubt in my mind now that pain touches her profoundly. Pain brings her forth and heals her each time. Doubly so when that pain evokes tears. And each time her healing allows a stronger Woman and a more aware Woman to emerge.

But recently and with Terry’s death as I’ve told you; Acceptance, blame, anger, and “My Place” (especially with you / towards you and your authority) have come to the forefront. It is NOT my place to demand or even in some cases, ask / pry. If I do, and hear nothing or told it’s not my business, there should be no argument. Period. Just acceptance even if I don’t like it or agree.. Actually, I don’t have to like or agree with anything. I don’t have to react to it. I can instead, choose to just see what develops. To yield. It has become clearer that this action costs nothing and gains a lot.

And the biggest in all of this (his death); knowing I am and have always been loved and cared for. Even when I have been completely UNLOVABLE by my standards, there have always been those despite their annoyance or anger at my behavior; have continued to shower me with Love and with their continued presence in my life. I am loved for being me and I am accepted for being me. I have also been forgiven because each one of these people had the wisdom to know their own humanity.

I know I feel stronger, more confident, more self assured, need less validation from people, less insecure, beautiful inside and out, sexy, worth the effort, full of integrity despite missteps and able to give better with my heart-not out of fear of abandonment or insecurity. I am more thoughtful of my actions and more considering of what does and does not affect me. I am pleased…..

Oh and this parting thought. We are not and never have been “equals” despite all my struggles over the years to force you as equal in my eyes. It’s been nothing but a way of refusing to look at your Dominance and authority and not deal with my submission and my place in it…Refusal to ALLOW. To accept and trust you to be you. And me to be me.

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2 Responses to what I did on my summer vacation

  1. Thats a lot of hashing out for one summers vacation.
    Does it help you to see the words here?
    does it make any difference knowing that you have been heard?
    what changes you the most in all of this? what gives you the forward propelling?

    Like

    • Rosa says:

      Yes, the process is always greatly enhanced for me to see the words. It helps me consolidate things in my mind. It helps me flesh the fat from the meat and the meat from the bone so to speak.

      I was asked to think about this topic the other day as a response to my question of why a friend keeps commenting on how angry I was when we met 6 years ago. So as a specific answer to a specific question; yes to be heard on this is important.

      But that is not always so. Sometimes it just doesn’t matter if anyone hears or even reads. Just as long as I can attempt to figure it out and gain some clarity of thought. And too, I started this blog as a way to banish fears of *not good enough* with respect to writing or my ideas and thought process.
      Also, realizing that shit happens and things change, it’s about keeping track of those changes as I move through time.

      What changes me the most in this is that I have seem to have found a place where I am very comfortable being very, very uncomfortable. There is a beauty and a peace in it for me. To stretch and experience my fears forces me to feel on a whole nuther level of existence.

      The forward motion is unfortunately bound in my friends death. I don’t think I can stand any more loss. Especially loss by my own hand……(figuratively speaking of course)

      You have a way of making me think, m’dear and it is always good to hear from you!
      xoxoxox

      Like

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