not my job and I’m not done vomiting…

Nothing has changed here. Nothing. As far as I can see, it’s become worse for all those involved. And for him? He had a major hand in unmaking the bed. This time I am not making it for him.
I will listen. I will consider. I will accept. But I do not condone. And never will. Not any more.

From October 1 2011.
previously posed private.
G-d how I hate the phrase, not my job. Not MY job. What ever happened to taking some responsibility? Going out of your way? Above and beyond? Finding a solution? Fixing what is broken instead of stepping over it?

There is a lot of punch in those three words these days; personally speaking.
Where does my job begin, and end?

It’s pretty easy to define that at work. I have this job. I do what my boss wants unless it’s unethical or illegal. I do more than that within certain limits. I let him take his responsibility and he lets me take mine. He covers my ass because it was HIS decision. You will never hear me tell him, not my job.
I have no trouble telling my crew boys, not my job when they take a day off, spend it drinking and then want me to do errands for them the next day. Sorry, NOT my job. I will not do their laundry for any amount of money. Nope, not my JOB..

Those three words are pretty difficult to define outside of work in personal relationships.
I have no problem telling my children, not my job.
But I do have a ginormous problem telling men friends, NOT my job.
I have no problem asking girlfriends what their Plan B is when they have issues.
I have no problem being asked what my Plan B is when I have issues.

So last weekend, a new and potential play partner looked around my house and asked if I hated messes and needed everything “just so”. I was very stressed and somewhat embarrassed over having a less than clean house that day. I didn’t expect us to hit it off at all, much less have him over.
Yep, I hate messes and clutter.
And then he proclaimed me an “enabler”.
Yes, he says, really.
If he said anything else I don't remember because I was stunned at the statement, and then honestly couldn't think of a counter argument. And I still can't.

to remind you:
to be gentleman
to pay your bills
to pay me back monies owed (I know I promised, and I will. Never again)
of your daughter's, son's, mother's or girlfriends birthdays or anniversary
to do Christmas shopping
or to….(fill in the blank)

to do:
your laundry
clean your house
iron your shirts
do your shopping
pay your bills
find a gift and a box or a bag for someone else’s present
to change the cum stained sheets before your next date in a bed I’m not allowed to sleep in
do your research

As much as I like taking care of you because I have a need to do so. I have a need to let my friends know I am always there for them and will take care of them, and in that it means I Love them…..the whole idea is also grossly misplaced. You used it and I let you for the perceived “greater good” of bettering myself so I didn’t become like her, or her, or her-petty and jealous and accepting of his desires. So I wouldn’t be gotten rid of like her, and her, and her. His constant threat to me. Hell, I can be more gracious and understanding that her. Right? You want easy? Ok.

If you can't, won't or don't take care of YOUR life, you don't need me in your life to do your work for you. Your life is NOT MY JOB.

He needs to want me in his life because I enrich it by being ME. Loyal, trustworthy, kind, generous, smart as hell, strong, strong willed (did I really say that?), and loving. Because I am confident in my ability to take care of it and everything that comes at me. After all, I've been doing it for as long as he’s been born. Successfully. Because honestly, no one is doing it for me and they never have.

Yep. I've enabled him to go off and have fun, and prevented him from paying the price for not doing his work. From learning his lessons.

Read: Maybe you'll Love me. Maybe I’ll become indispensable to you and you won’t leave – just like everyone else. Maybe you won’t toss me aside like her, and her, and her. Maybe you won’t point out my flaws so often.
Read: MAJOR abandonment issues.
Read: Settling for less than I am worth.
Read: Acting out my remaining low self worth predicated partially on what he has said. Not worth the time.
Read: Enabler.
Read: Subservient and Doormat despite my strong personality.

No wonder there is no respect left.
Who would respect me? I sure don’t and I feel like a fool on top of it.
If I have no self respect how can I expect anyone to respect me?
Obviously he doesn’t. And it’s directionally proportionate as near as I can figure.

She’s right. There is no beauty in it. No sharing. No care. No consideration. No heart.

Walking away from him was the best advice she’s given me. If it doesn’t serve me I should leave. After all, I CONSENTED to be used. Right? NEGOTIATED to be strung along? Sure doesn’t everyone? Especially since we don’t have any D/s or M/s dynamic in his eyes even when he acts like my dom and expects compliance without any argument or resistance. Oh and TRUST. I CONSENTED to TRUST him as “I’m the the safest person you know, hun.” And, “I Love you, baby. You aren’t going anywhere and neither is she. I want you both in my life.” My heart sang that day. Yeah, I can open my heart for me, and him, and her too.

I did not CONSENT to being lied to. I have always asked for honesty. Just tell me what’s up and then let me deal in my way, on my terms, on my time. Let me process too. I won’t stop loving anyone even if I am angry with them. I never do. I never have. I did not CONSENT to having him trash me to his slaves, submissives, girlfriends, coworkers, friends, ex-wife, mother, or daughter.I clearly requested many times I wanted our relationship kept between us. Just like I did for him. I always checked in and was told, “No, we don’t really talk about you or that stuff.”

Yet, it slipped. And has before. I’ve excused that as, well…everyone needs someone to vent to. Bullshit. Talk to the person you have issues with. Not everyone else..

*smacks head* Hell, I got it all wrong. It’s NOT MY JOB. I could have had all the sex and attention I ever wanted, had I done MY JOB. Instead of trying to be a better person and TRUST someone I Love to not harm me. And yielding to what ever the fuck he wanted. Even if it was hurtful.

No he won’t see this. Or hear about this it in any way. That’s what this page is for.
He will eventually hear about what an arrogant, domineering, mean spirited, ego driven, Dom he’s chosen as a path this the past year. Because that is exactly what he asked of me. To be his balance. To be his friend because that is all he has available for me. OK, I’ll risk it. He can be angry. I’m going back to work soon anyway. I have nothing to loose at this point.

I edited and re-edited and it will probably become smaller and more coherent because it won’t become a burning bowl post and disappear. Thought I was done vomiting. I’m giving myself room to be fucking pissed. And yah, it tastes a bit bitter today. It needs to.
It’s called self preservation. And it’s a log of my perspective. My process.

This entry was posted in Reflections in the Mirror. Bookmark the permalink.


Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s