I’ve been struggling with both sides of a debate of sorts related to time management, and poly relationships. From those who feel others are always asking for more time to those who don’t think they get enough time or the right “kind” if time. While I understand all the emotions involved, I still cannot agree with the behaviors stemming from either.
Personally I think time management in any relationship is difficult. Most times we need more hours in the day; not just for others but for ourselves too. Add the multitudes of relationships we have, and that becomes even more complex. We can easily over-obligate. We can also very easily not see others obligations or desires. After all, we are most the important ones and our feelings are the most important, right?
I get it; we all want to be loved and appreciated and validated by our….pick a label…
Strip away, if you will, all the labels; family, friend, poly, or mono, boyfriend or girlfriend, significant other, partner, husband, wife, Master, slave, Dominant, submissive, etc.
Strip away the labels of envy, jealously, position, and entitlement, as well.
What makes rude or disrespectful behavior rude or disrespectful?
In the simplest form, that would be the “action” itself.
We over complicate the issue by prefacing and rationalizing our behaviors with because of, entitled to, expected this, or assumed that.
Time is precious. I believe it is the most precious gift we give another. And I believe we need to be most respectful of that gift when giving or receiving, and especially to be respectful of someones gift of their time to others.
We tend to apply this concept of being respectful of someone else’s time to others most selectively and only when it pleases us to do so; when we are feeling magnanimous. But, we have no respect when we perceive our need greater than anothers.
A couple of examples…..
My closest girlfriend is on a date Saturday. Do I call her? Do I text her at all during that time? N0! There is nothing, and I mean nothing that is more important she needs to hear during that time; Death and the house burning down excepted. Easy right?
My husband is going out to play poker with the guys for the evening. Do I call him mid evening? Do I text at all during that time? No! Again, kids going to the hospital, the house burning down or someone dying are excepted. Easy, right?
Now lets try something harder. Your boyfriend, lover, significant other is actively involved with 3 other women. His time is always in high demand with work, side jobs, children, friends and other lovers. You are his primary relationship. Your history has been one of daily contact. Or, you are not his primary relationship but have a long history of daily or near daily contact. Yet over time, that daily contact has thinned as demands grow. And lets face it, you miss what you had. So where does that leave you when you know he is with A on Monday, B on Tuesday, C on Wednesday, working on Thursday, and your day doesn’t come till Friday or Saturday and Sunday you work a schedule that leaves calling at 11pm when he is already fast asleep. You can’t call most mornings because A or B or C will still be at the house sharing coffee? What now?
Why is it so hard to decide what is rude and what is not in the last scenario as opposed to the previous two scenarios?