I do believe its more than a bit of a fairytale for anyone to think service is ONLY a need for any s-type and it’s how they receive validation of who they are. They need tasks to keep busy. After all it’s who they are, right? It’s a calling. Born to serve. It may be true to a degree but it’s not the only truth that some and many submissives/slaves are incredibly giving of themselves to lots of people, not just Dominants.
Sorry, but it’s not just about performing the service to keep busy and nourishing or validating ourselves. Sure, some of it revolves around a job well done and our own satisfaction. Is that all? Not on your life. I have my own chores. I like a clean kitchen, clean bathrooms and ironed cloth napkins.
Is it about learning and humbling yourself especially when the “chore” or “service” isn’t something we like or excel at. Sure. But that isn’t the be all or end all. You could probably get me to do anything for you as a friend or lover or partner or whatever. Would I continue endlessly without some reciprocity? Ummm…probably not. In time the cost may very well be a whole lot of resentment for not being nourished. Can’t live on the scraps off bones. Yes we can, and have to, feed ourselves for ourselves. But we do that for ourselves largely outside of the D/s and M/s dynamics. But inside those dynamics, reciprocity is as needed as the service…..Equally? No.
The idea that we can walk in grace, obey, humble ourselves, and recognize the exchange is not about equality because we are not equal. The idea is noble, giving, subservient at times, more selfless and ultimately what we strive for. BUT….there is another very human need at work for most of us….
To be fair…..it is not cost free to the Dominant either. The Dominant’s job is to reward, acknowledge and guide in a way that nourishes the s-type too. And that takes work. It is also tedious and draining work to hear the s-type ask for validation at every task. However if the s-type is seeking validation the Dominant might want to take a look at their ideas of service vs the underlying needs of the (individual) s-type performing that service. Perhaps a little extra acknowledgement is in order. It promotes stability and trust and yes we all need rewards. Think about it this way….if a Dominant was not thanked for their time hanging pictures, carrying the heavy stuff, buying dinners, doing oil changes, or whatever and no sincere thanks was forthcoming; how long would that Dominant continue to offer “free” service?
It’s just that this is an area where I feel many Dominants too easily fall down. Guess what I am trying to say is that it’s not great to feel taken for granted on either end. And while this can happen in any relationship, including vanilla ones, it is within these D/s and M/s dynamics where this seems to come to the surface a bit quicker because service is an integral part of the dynamic.
I begged to clean the house more than a few times because I suddenly had this overwhelming NEED to do so despite knowing of another date that evening. I begged anyway because I needed to get out of my head. To give of myself AND to show my love and devotion. Was it entirely altruistic? No. Don’t forget about me was part of the message. BUT I felt trusted with that information about the date. It gave me satisfaction to do something without jealously interfering in the action. If gave me a sense of satisfaction for a job well done. I beamed when I was called the next day and heard a deep appreciation of how that 2 hours of my time made life easier. How nice the place looked. How hard I worked. And ya know what? It also gave me a bit of extra time with him for coffee before his date because those chores were taken care of. There have been times I haven’t gotten that extra time. Or any time. Life is crazy busy, ya know? But, the bed covers turned down and two chocolates on the pillow was a tacit acknowledgement of acceptance of him, his life, and a voice of my continued devotion regardless of what else was going on…..
Maybe this is manipulation of the highest form. Don’t think so. It’s how service works….for me…..
(not mine and cannot post the link here. This resonated deeply with me as there have been some deep discussions these days between three sister submissive women about “service”)
The number one way to maintain a relationship with a service-oriented person is to love them.
That’s it. It sounds so simple. The reason for this is that service is an act of love I am sharing with you. Every toilet I scrub and every boot I shine is saying “I love you.” over and over again. This doesn’t mean you have to take me on a date. This isn’t about romantic or sexual love. You don’t need to fuck me or marry me or even compliment every task I complete. It does mean you need to be aware that you aren’t looking at a clean floor. You are looking at an expression of my love for you.
It’s easy to pay someone in cash because the fair exchange is there. Paying someone in love is harder to see. I’m willing to bet that every service-oriented person has one experience where they served with love and when it was time for payday….they were standing there looking lost. When it happened to me, I thought, “How can you doubt me? I poured myself into this? Can’t you feel my admiration, my devotion and my gratitude for being in your life?” And with one look, the answer was a clear. No. Then everything I sacrificed stares me in the face. Service is it’s own reward because I gained experience and I can be proud of myself for how hard I worked. But I can do that without anyone else for myself at my own house. I can serve without being taken advantage of. If you want MY service to be YOUR reward, you gotta put something on the table too.
I am not offering a free service. I am offering service with care and devotion. In order to care about your task to the fullest of my ability, you need to care about me. The beauty here is defining how that love is manifested. May I consider you my friend now and share the stories of my life with you? Will you give me heartfelt advice? Can I ask for a hug or worship at your feet? That can be negotiated but honestly, the love you feel will help shape the rewards of the service.
Doing something purely for altruistic reasons works on a case-by-case basis but it will not last as the foundation for a relationship. If a random person asked me to help clean their dishes, I probably would. That’s altruistic. If they then set that as a weekly expectation with punishments, I would tell them to suck my dick. That’s unequal exchange. The part that makes it rewarding is knowing that you are pleasing someone who cares about you.
Furthermore, service is never free for the submissive or slave. it costs time away from family, a job or other commitments. Service requires the gas money to arrive at your house (on time, no less). Service often has assignments with expectations to take home. Service can affect the friends I keep, the people I can date or fuck, the clothes I wear or any other number of aspects of my life. The privilege of cleaning up after you can be extremely expensive on my end. Keep in mind, you don’t just want ANYONE serving you either. You expect a reliable, honest, trustworthy person who is capable and earnest. Why would an individual like that accept anything less than your love in return? Isn’t genuine service worth that much?
Lemme tell you, accepting my service is a hell of a lot more expensive, time-consuming and energy draining than hiring a maid. I set an expectation that you will show me in some manner that you see and are aware of how much I love you. I also set the expectation that you will show me you love me too. Your job is to find a way to tell me. And the more work I do, the more you’ll need to say it. If I clean your whole house for a week, a pat on the head isn’t enough. But saying, “Wow, look at this place! You are wonderful! Thank you!” might set my head spinning for days.
I think it’s important to squash this myth that you can give little and receive big. There is no such thing as free labor. There is forced labor but that type of slavery won’t work unless you catch me first, motherfucker. There is emotionally or mentally manipulated labor but then if I’m half-crazy and emotional, how much work do you think will actually get done? There is paid labor and if you are hiring, I will do my part and go home. But if you pay me in love, I will rearrange my world for yours and both of us will flourish because I’m really love-oriented, and service is how love, adoration and devotion manifests.