Since entering the lifestyle one concept I had to wrap my head around was that I was my own Dominant. It’s not about having or not having A Dominant because I truly believe that surrender and submission start internally. It’s a mindset totally outside of a relationship with another. Don’t we need to have a healthy relationship with ourselves first? It’s also tied to some things I believe about Dominance and submission in general. You don’t wake up one day and crow to the world that you are a submissive or a Dominant, any more than you wake up and proclaim you are Gay or Lesbian or Bi. You can of course, and many do. I don’t think we are hardwired or “Born” that way either. We have “elements”; some stronger and some weaker. Some we let to the surface under some circumstances, and some we repress under certain circumstances.
Many enter the lifestyle proclaiming to be something or other loudly and with puffed chests. Make no mistake, I am not talking about Dominants doing this. Submissives do this too. To me, this is nothing but a way to proclaim some kind of superiority; using it against others to falsely build ourselves up. We want to fit in and we attempt to instantly BE something….anything. It is a conscious decision to recognize, nurture and allow those parts of ourselves. And that takes time. It is akin to planting a seed, and then taking the time to care for it in order for it to bloom.
My submissive side is safe with me first. I can trust me. I can give me what I need from me and exercise the right to decide where to let her-the-submissive out. Until fairly recently, I used to think I could not turn this off and others tripped that submissive switch, or not. And that is partially true. Other submissives of any gender don’t trip my submissive switch even if I yield to them. I have a close friend who is a strong switch. Lots of Top energy and an Alpha submissive. I don’t “submit to her”, but I do yield where I determine her expertise is greater than mine as we work on projects together. I only submit to her when I allow her to Top me; when I request a scene with her.
But, and the Big But in all of this, is the recognition that each time I respond with submission it is a conscious choice on my part to let it happen. Perhaps that is what is referred to as a gift to the Dominant. I say perhaps because I don’t see it as a gift so much as my choice to do so. It has nothing to do with sex; although it can and is for many. For me it has everything to do with letting that part of me respond with my will to do so and with total confidence that I can.
Part of the whole gifting philosophy needles me to some degree because in taking ownership of our submission and our choices, there is no gift with strings or expectations. It’s my need, my will and my desire. It’s truly about serving me first. If others see that as a gift, so be it. In this way, I remove entitlement I believe is the bane of society in general, as well as a major stumbling block for submissives. It certainly is a double edged sword. Because our human nature wants recognition for jobs well done, but it is a want and not a need.
All of this is also heavily tied to finding grace with others. Accepting me means accepting others. Tossing ego aside. Nice to say and much harder to do to examine where we are actually being selfish and actively protecting ourselves….
Being a submissive or bottom does in fact mean we are the foundation. I used to think this was the other way around. But it’s not. Again that is like saying submissives must have Dominants to be submissive. Or that Dominants must have submissives to be dominant. In truth they only outwardly respond to someone who is more or less submissive or dominant than they are. Are we playing a role or being who we are? The role playing is being, “The Dominant” or “A Dominant” just as much as it is being “The slave”, or “A submissive”. I am submissive. Not, “The submissive” or “A submissive”. Perhaps it is splitting hairs with words. But I don’t believe so. Wording is everything. Connotation counts, lol.
I have no desire to play a “role”. I can do that online and walk away when I need. Walking away from submission or dominance isn’t an option born out of convenience….At least not for me. It is however, for many….