I’ve decided I’m not objective enough or supportive enough. My own filters and experiences are seriously getting in the way especially the past two weeks. Still not feeling very gracious towards him. Even tho I’ve voiced this to her, and I hope she understands the core of it, it’s still not helpful from a supportive friend sense. My experiences with him bleed over…the remaining hurt continues to spill over.
I understand why she feels overwhelmed and anxious needing to consider everyone’s views and feelings. Trying to balance all there is while honoring us all. Helping me with my own anxieties on top of hers over Thanksgiving is stressing her even if the concerns are much the same. The least I can do is take my shit off the table. Can I be more supportive? Can I let some of that hurt go even feeling attacked by him the other day? I can try not to be snarky every time she makes a comment. He is, after all, her beloved. Even if I don’t like him very much right now.
I am more selfish in that regard compared to her. I don’t always consider everyone over myself. Many times, but not always. Especially if I have strong emotions where I feel used or manipulated. And too, some things are not my responsibility or in my control. But I can choose not to comment on them and keep my listening voice on.
So perhaps he is correct in some ways with this comment from the other day, You are stirring shit that won’t help you in the end. And while I feel there is no need for a threat because he has withdrawn all and more from me anyway, perhaps I fear he will work to take her away in some way as a final act of exerting the total control he needs to have over everyone, just as he has in the past. Perhaps he is referring to her and how she feels towards me. Is there a perception that I am asking her to choose me over him. Fuck I hope not. But perceptions (right or wrong) are reality, so there is that as a consideration.
Bottom line: Because there has been no explanation on what those words mean, and I can’t know unless he tells me since he spoke them, I fill in the blanks with my own fuck up speculations. Those fears further fuel my hurt and resulting un-graciousness towards a man I still care for and care about. Even tho I rationally know he has nothing on me. It shouldn’t matter what he thinks, and I need to let this go as not mine to deal with unless told otherwise, I still wonder if I have done something wrong here because I tend to internalize everything as my fault….something that I can fix.
But, I don’t ever want her to get to a place where she feels cannot honestly share anything with me, and that may very well already be happening.
So today I will reflect on the 1st Agreement and allow it to settle in my soul. And be more mindful of how I speak and what my filters are that I allow to change my words and objectivity.
Be Impeccable with Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Impeccable means “without sin” and a sin is something you do or believe that goes against yourself. It means not speaking against yourself, to yourself or to others. It means not rejecting yourself. To be impeccable means to take responsibility for yourself, to not participate in “the blame game.”
Regarding the word, the rules of “action-reaction” apply. What you put out energetically will return to you. Proper use of the word creates proper use of energy, putting out love and gratitude perpetuates the same in the universe. The converse is also true.
Impeccability starts at home. Be impeccable with yourself and that will reflect in your life and your relationships with others. This agreement can help change thousands of other agreements, especially ones that create fear instead of love.