With my Anam Cara settling in Denver, we have been spending more and more time together. Sometimes here at my house, but most often at his. Not too much time tho. Works out to be about 3-4 times a month, depending on schedules and commitments. Sometimes it’s just overnight during the week. Sometimes two days over the weekend. With his long work days and going the the Bay area once a month, for a week; well, we don’t get tons of time so we try to make every minute count. As it should be. *grins* It’s what I love most about this. We are always present with each other when we are together.
We have been laughingly going back and forth with considering the “us” part of this. What are we anyway? Lovers? We have been for a long time now-off and on for almost 7 years. Best friends? Yup. A “couple”? Only when we are together. Boyfriend/girlfriend? Not at all.
We’ve also had the poly/mono discussion plenty of times over the years. Where we sit with it individually. I asked him a few weeks ago if I were to give him monogamy; would he believe me? His answer: “No. I already know you can’t and won’t. So I won’t ask because I don’t want any lies.”
He then phrased that same question to me about him. And he got the exact same answer back.
So…..where does that leave us? It leaves us together when we are together and not when we are not. This weekend he told me he thought that when we are together we should be married and when we are not, we are not married. *laughing* I accepted. It’s nothing different than we have been doing all these years anyway, and I told him so. There is no one else when we are together. Never has been. They don’t influence the “Us” time unless we agree to include a third. And most of the time that doesn’t happen.
I have far fewer jealously issues overall than he does. I have met many of his intimates. I have seen him kiss and hug his intimates. I have been in bed with his intimates. I have been to dinner and parties where his intimates (past and current) were present. *shrugs* There is security and stability in our relationship. So much so, I honestly think that is why there are no real huge jealously triggers present for me.
Yet, he has some jealously issues. Most of the time he doesn’t even want to discuss my sexual exploits in any way at all, except to know I take care to get my sexual and bdsm needs met when he isn’t around. Anything I bring up to him is done lightly in that regard. He does not find talking about the fun I had with so-and-so nearly as HOT as I do when I hear what he’s been up to.
This weekend we spent time adding plants to his house and then went for sushi with his oldest daughter. It was cute. Really. He delighted in telling her we were married. And then called his middle girl in WA to tell her he got married this weekend. Both of them, “WTF?”. Then laughter when he told them it was with me. His middle girl gets it. She is bi, poly, non-judgmental and is the only one who can see into the cocoon we weave when we are together. The older one is just coming into questioning what polyamory means. How it fits or doesn’t fit for her. How it fits so well with us. We’ve had a lot of conversations with her about our particular brand of relationship over the past few months.
All in all, I get it. He, like me, wants/needs intimacy and romance and tenderness and caring. Love. We all just want to be loved for who we are. Of course I can do that with him. We have always done that with each other. Unconditional acceptance for the other. This weekend was about the verbal acknowledgement of what it is. Something we very carefully never voiced in the past but always knew. I can live with that change….