labels and boxes

A remark was made this weekend about “being careful” with saying, I Love You.  That saying it too much dilutes the meaning. I disagree strongly.  While I do believe words are cheap and actions speak louder than words, what do we have if we fear saying those three words from our heart?

We’ve also been talking quite a bit about polyamory and how we operate or don’t operate in that context. Where does the mono mindset end and the poly mindset begin?

I believe we are all polyamorous to some extent. I know full well the “amorous” part of polyamorous generally refers only to sexual love; the Eros part of Love. But I find that isn’t always so.  I have had plenty of deeply loving, intensely intimate relationships that did not include sexual love/desire.  Oh, it may have been erotic and charged at times.  But sex was not a factor.

I have issues with categorizing Love. To me, it puts constraints on Love when we break them into “types”. If you fall into one type category then you are potentially excluded from other type categories.  And that is very true for me as well to this degree: I break my philosophy of Love and Loving into two broad categories. The first is Familial Love. Love concerning blood family. It is not erotic, sexual or romantic. It is however, unconditional.

The only other Love category for me is everything else. I make no difference between  romantic, erotic, affectionate, intellectual, spiritual or sexual Love with others.  What’s the point? For me it’s more confusing than not.  By my way of thinking, Love exists as a range that moves back and forth depending on the needs of one or all parties because like everything else human our needs, wants, and desires always change through time.

Unconditional Love encompasses all Love. After all, when we Love do we need to put conditions on that Love? If we do can we even call it, “Love”?

I think there is a difference between “behavior” and “Love”. We just tend to link behavior(s) as conditions of Love.  I have never stopped Loving my alcoholic and emotionally abusive ex-husband.  But I won’t tolerate that behavior in my life. It was not my Love that was conditional.  It was his alcoholic and abusive behavior that was a condition of my willingness to live with him.

To me, labels and hierarchies do nothing but prevent Love from developing any natural course because we put limits on that Love with the definitions we use before we even begin a ride on the Love Train.

How does this fit with polyamory?

I think breaking down the definitions that prevent loving are paramount to seeing past a monogamous mindset.

Don’t get me wrong.  Plenty of people are monogamous and it works well for them. Just as many I think are monogamous and it doesn’t work very well for them. I can say the same of ploy relationships.   But we are more often than not, trapped by the labels and their definitions.  We use those both overtly and covertly to create and keep us in the box we live in.

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5 Responses to labels and boxes

  1. I choose to look every night towards Xibalba.. with all the stars in the heavens, I chose just one place to gaze…

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  2. alaisheart says:

    Fear seems such a big part of human emotional climate. It is difficult to love like you describe unless you can make enroads through that forest.

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    • Rosa says:

      It’s still difficult. We are human and human emotions creep in when we least expect. As you know, jealously, control issues, possessiveness-our fears over the “loss” of love, do not magically go away for those practicing poly over monogamy.

      More and more, and as I examine all the relationships in my life to date, I seem to be far happier with poly. it’s not because I fear work or commitment. It has taught me to be less selfish and more accepting over all of others desires without my own insecurities getting in the way (much).. The pressure is off for all to be “everything” for someone else. My Anam Cara loves skiing. Good. Have a great time. Better yet, go with someone who enjoys it as much as you do. I don’t. Spend the night, or the week. Have great sex. Because if you are going to have sex, it shouldn’t be having lousy sex lol. I’ll still be here in every capacity for you, when you return.

      You are correct. Unless we walk into the forest and choose a road, we will never see the individual trees that make the entire forest….

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      • alaisheart says:

        So far, it seems that Poly is not a very happy road. I seem to be more relaxed and content within monogamy…and I don’t think it’s because I’m terribly insecure…or even terribly controlling. I think its because I am uneasy with other women emotionally. I think too that I’ve had the misfortune to be in poly relationships with women who tend toward possessiveness and jealousy and who decide that I’m an enemy. In that climate I become remote instead of reassuring. It’s not a good combination…not sure what the future holds for my man and I. Guess we’ll see. We haven’t closed the door on anything either way. We need to get his life sorted out right now. He’s got lots of leftovers and so do I really. Hugs… HOpe you had a lovely holiday!!

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        • Rosa says:

          Yes, you do seem to me much more content. The Drama factor with other women is diminished for you these days. And that is a good thing for the both of you. I don’t see you as particularly jealous, controlling or insecure either. Although I think we all can be at times depending on the situation…..

          I only know how it’s working for me. Monogamy just isn’t authentic for me. And I don’t think it ever has been. Not really when I look at all my relationships over the years.
          So instead of being unhappily monogamous, it’s time for me to put the knowledge I’ve gained all these years in a better perspective with fulfilling the relationships I already have.

          Hope your Holidays were joyous, dear one!! xoxoxo

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