As I peel back the layers I find many microscopic truths. My truths.
Monogamy: Been there, done that and it worked; until it didn’t.
My criteria for practicing monogamy is pretty narrow. If it weren’t, I would use some other current and useless nom du jour to describe something that isn’t what I define as monogamy. An open relationship. Swinging. Poly. Or?
When I practice monogamy, I want it all. I give myself to you on all planes, in all dimensions. And I need that back in return. It isn’t a one-sided agreement for your convenience, or mine. As matter of fact, monogamy is plenty dammed inconvenient when I’m horny, and you’re away or tired or sick or distracted.
It’s not ok to leave on a business trip, fuck who ever you want and call it, “just sex that doesn’t really mean anything to me, baby”. I get that men generally seem to have an easier time of disconnecting and performing nameless, faceless sex, and that’s fine. I’ve done it myself plenty of times. But ultimately it’s cold and disconnected. I don’t have that with you, and I don’t want it with anyone else. Why would I want a bad sexual experience when I can have so much more? And why would you want that for me except as a way level the playing field without guilt?
Swinging? Or threesomes and more-somes? Poly-fuckery? If I’m monogamous? Not a chance in hell. It’s more of the same cold, disconnected ways to get the side dishes and call it something it’s not. Forget it. You won’t talk me into it sometime later, either. I won’t become cold and disengaged performing solely for my partners pleasure.
BDSM relationships that involve others? Nope. Too much intimacy would exist outside our relationship. We share that together, or not at all.
Monogamy works for many, I won’t disagree. And it doesn’t work for many given the statistics on cheating. I see monogamy in healthy relationships. But I see monogamy as veneer over some pretty unhealthy ones as well.
I don’t give monogamy because I want trust from you. I give monogamy because I already trust who you are with who I am.
I don’t give monogamy to circumvent the white elephant in the room. If you have an issue with jealously, no amount of “monogamy” will make your jealously disappear. If I am insecure, no amount of “monogamy” will make that better, either. Yet, I see this all the time. Monogamy doesn’t suddenly cure those underlying issues.
I’m not ok with sharing sexy emails and pictures with someone else if we are monogamous.
I’m not ok with being romantic with someone else if we are monogamous.
I don’t want anyone to give up friendship. In fact, I encourage deep and loving friendship. There are a helluva lot of fun and interesting people out there, too. I trust you, remember? But, I need transparency about it.
I also get the need for a sounding board and perspective, but if you are continually talking to someone else about “us” or “our” issues, than likely you’re not taking to me. I require complete and honest communication between us. I don’t want to be the last to know about a problem between us.
I’m totally ok with doing whatever it is you want that fulfills you. Off for a run with an old girlfriend? Have fun! Skiing? Fantastic! But if you aren’t returning to our bed, you better be sleeping alone and you better not be fucking someone else in theirs.
I wait for you because it’s what I give “us”. And I do so because I want all my energy to go into “us”. I want our connection. I want our lust. I want our pent-up desires. I want my eyes looking into your eyes. I want your lips on my lips. I want your skin on my skin. I want your sweat and tears and yes, your cock. I want your mind. I want your energy melding with mine. If I have to wait, so do you. There are no exceptions. None. Not in Monogamy…
Yes, in monogamy you own me and I own you….completely…
Be careful what you ask for, you might actually have to give it.
Can I give it? Of course I can. With all my heart and soul.
Been there, done that and it worked; until it didn’t.