Musings from a past life….
Over the past 8 years and after the breakup of my last marriage of 15 years, I have found deeper intimacy and in turn deeper love than I ever thought possible with “solo poly”.
I do not have primaries, nor do I want them. It is useless to me to have some kind of heretical system of who is more important or less important in my life. You know, “just friends” or “a friend” vs “primary” or “beloved”, or “intimate” or whatever label that lets others know status and position as well as confirming (for the ego) status and position.
What I what is what I have-deeply committed, deeply loving, and deeply intimate long term relationships.
What friends and family and dates see are two at ease with each other and loving towards each other. Most frequently that is perceived as “less than” because we fall outside the “norm”. They see “just friends” over beloved or intimates or spouses. We jokingly told family that we were married. But only when we are together. And when we’re not, we’re not. We are at our wits end trying to legitimize and explain the context of our 7 year relationship.
What people don’t see are the difficult, brutally honest, peeling back the layers of ourselves, naked and intimate conversations that need to be had as we work through life and loving and changes in our lives.
We are out of the “norm” because our relationship is based in deep and committed friendship first with everything else second. If true friendship comes first there is nothing greater because we put all the other needy, self serving, ego driven, wanting, expecting, assuming, less compassionate and less understanding hats aside. And I truly think that was my biggest lesson; where there is deep friendship, there is also a deep and committed love. It’s more open-handed and less conditional to me.
And with this I also realized I was not really friends with any of my husbands. We were lovers turned partners turned legal spouses. We were expectations heaped on assumptions of what was supposed to be “normal”. What lacked was the deep and committed friendship part. Those I causally gave up when I got married and (once again) practiced monogamy. What a terrible and hurtful thing to do – willfully abandon deep and loving friendships (with or without sexual/romantic components) for societal norms and the ego of believing that exclusivity in investment would make a true marriage relationship. Ouch. It’s something I am not willing to ever do again.
We are out of the norm because we are free to date whomever we like in whatever way works for us. We are free to choose whatever we need for our happiness, first. We are honest about what we want and what we can give the other. We hare honest about who we see and why,. We are financially independent. We do not and will never (again) live together, lol. We both need plenty of autonomy and alone time. We are not dependent or attached at the hip, but we always have each others backs. There is no relationship escalator and there never has been one with us. Sounds a bit trite, but it is what it is, and we are more than content to just let it be what it needs to be.
What we do, we do extremely well. And that is to love deeply, in every moment. Everything else flows from that no matter how others perceive it.
Until it doesn’t.
Dust in the wind….