actually showing up is most of the issue

Not where I want to be but getting better….

Finding the world in the smallness of a grain of sand
And holding infinities in the palm of your hand
And Heaven’s realms in the seedlings of this tiny flower
And eternities in the space of a single hour

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it’s never ok

to engage in body shaming.

I don’t care who you are or who you are pointing at.

You simply cannot take others down in some misguided effort to cover your perceived imperfections.  Sad that we even have those perceptions at all…


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The problem with communication is that we are more often taught how to speak, but not taught how to really listen.

We make it all about us when it really isn’t…

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Thank you for the healing, my beloved Anam Cara.

Not that I’m surprised. Your visits have been too many in too short a time.

I needed to hear from you today.  Needed you to open the door and allow me to speak

of what was, what is now and what will always be.

Nice to know you feel the same….





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a few small things

A small promotion with a small raise.

It makes life a little bit more doable.

for now…

Still out there searching tho.

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Daniel Boone, Wendell Berry And I ~ Kentucky

Daniel Boone, Wendell Berry And I ~ Kentucky.

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n. a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

From: The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

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n. the strange wistfulness of used bookstores, which are somehow infused with the passage of time—filled with thousands of old books you’ll never have time to read, each of which is itself locked in its own era, bound and dated and papered over like an old room the author abandoned years ago, a hidden annex littered with thoughts left just as they were on the day they were captured.

From The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows


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And sometimes, like tonight, I long for the release inside the haze of drugs…temporarily out of my head…and free…



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n. a kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details—raindrops skittering down a window, tall trees leaning in the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee—briefly soaking in the experience of being alive, an act that is done purely for its own sake.

From The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

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something that’s been rolling around in my head for a bit now….

There’s a bit of a shift in my soul these days.



The threads of my tapestry, where they had been so closely woven with no room for more, are loosening in preparation…



The cloak of invisibility I’ve worn for so long is slowly sliding down around my shoulders, exposing me to the elements of life.






Not sure where the winds of change take me this time.

But they will as long as I let them…

a shift

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dust in the wind…..

Musings from a past life….

Over the past 8 years and after the breakup of my last marriage of 15 years, I have found deeper intimacy and in turn deeper love than I ever thought possible with “solo poly”.

I do not have primaries, nor do I want them. It is useless to me to have some kind of heretical system of who is more important or less important in my life. You know, “just friends” or “a friend” vs “primary” or “beloved”, or “intimate” or whatever label that lets others know status and position as well as confirming (for the ego) status and position.

What I what is what I have-deeply committed, deeply loving, and deeply intimate long term relationships.

What friends and family and dates see are two at ease with each other and loving towards each other. Most frequently that is perceived as “less than” because we fall outside the “norm”. They see “just friends” over beloved or intimates or spouses. We jokingly told family that we were married. But only when we are together. And when we’re not, we’re not. We are at our wits end trying to legitimize and explain the context of our 7 year relationship.

What people don’t see are the difficult, brutally honest, peeling back the layers of ourselves, naked and intimate conversations that need to be had as we work through life and loving and changes in our lives.

We are out of the “norm” because our relationship is based in deep and committed friendship first with everything else second. If true friendship comes first there is nothing greater because we put all the other needy, self serving, ego driven, wanting, expecting, assuming, less compassionate and less understanding hats aside. And I truly think that was my biggest lesson; where there is deep friendship, there is also a deep and committed love. It’s more open-handed and less conditional to me.

And with this I also realized I was not really friends with any of my husbands. We were lovers turned partners turned legal spouses. We were expectations heaped on assumptions of what was supposed to be “normal”. What lacked was the deep and committed friendship part. Those I causally gave up when I got married and (once again) practiced monogamy. What a terrible and hurtful thing to do – willfully abandon deep and loving friendships (with or without sexual/romantic components) for societal norms and the ego of believing that exclusivity in investment would make a true marriage relationship. Ouch. It’s something I am not willing to ever do again.

We are out of the norm because we are free to date whomever we like in whatever way works for us. We are free to choose whatever we need for our happiness, first. We are honest about what we want and what we can give the other. We hare honest about who we see and why,. We are financially independent. We do not and will never (again) live together, lol. We both need plenty of autonomy and alone time. We are not dependent or attached at the hip, but we always have each others backs. There is no relationship escalator and there never has been one with us. Sounds a bit trite, but it is what it is, and we are more than content to just let it be what it needs to be.

What we do, we do extremely well. And that is to love deeply, in every moment. Everything else flows from that no matter how others perceive it.

Until it doesn’t.

Dust in the wind….

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the deepest cut

It’s easier when people die. 

Death is so very rational, so very black and white. Death means we will never see them again, no matter how much our heart hurts over that loss. 

We understand the finality of physical death.

We don’t have to worry about running into them anywhere. Or what will happen if we do. Will they acknowledge us or turn away?  We don’t wonder how they are. We won’t pick up the phone, send a text or email.

But I don’t understand that loss in any rational way when the death of a relationship comes in the form of abandonment. 

It’s just not the same, poof, gone, here one minute gone the next, like death.

When one person walks away without a word, there is just no closure.

It’s the deepest cut.

I will always wonder…..







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disillusioned dreams

in my dream
walking lamp lit streets
i read your name
on every street sign,
see your face reflected
in storefront window panes.
in my dream
your footsteps echo
with mine thru dark alleys.
as i stumble
i feel your hand
guiding me along.
i hear your voice

in my dream…

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package deal

I’m a package deal.

I come with baggage and ghosts, family and friends.

Good. bad or otherwise, these are relationships that don’t get turned off and on at will for convenience.

When I give my heart, I do it fully. Purposefully. No one can replace another. Or so easily be erased from the fabric of my life….

And knowing them-all of them, having great affection or love in my heart for them, takes nothing from anyone else.

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