Thursday 28 February 2008
My decision to uproot what I had known for nearly 32 years living in Colorado and move to Hawaii, was a profound dissatisfaction with my life as I knew it. Work became more and more un-satisfying, tedious, un-fulfilling, stressful. Romantic prospects were thin. Being separated with another pending divorce staring me in the face left me unwilling to give anything to most people. I wasn’t ready. I had abandoned all the things that provided joy in my life. Sewing, hiking, gardening, writing, sketching, etc had gone by the wayside. I seemed to have gone by the wayside as well. No matter how hard I tried, I remained stuck. and frustrated. And angry. Very, very angry….
A few months after separating from my husband, I stepped out to attempt dating and sex (well, mostly sex). I got more than I ever expected. *laughing* It was here, my first lover after 15 years nudged me towards a meditation class. At the same time, he provided both hard and gentle reminders on how to become better at acceptance. This was the beginning of a deeper introspection, and the means to lift myself from 5 years of frustration and minor bouts of depression, as well as an increasing dependence on cocaine….all intertwined and revolving around a failing marriage. It was only after viewing the movie, The Secret, that I made the most basic of connections about having a great deal of personal power. And that I could, in fact, do what I desired. It was as easy as being open to seeing what was presented as opportunity, instead of a hindrance of some sort. So I did. I gave up scripting some aspects of my life.
Just after my oldest married, I took a long needed vacation to visit my friend who had relocated in Hawaii…a treat for myself in celebration of my upcoming 50th birthday. it was my very first real vacation ever with no agenda, no husband, no children, no family obligations. It was all mine and for *me*. It was also a very “safe place” to explore inside myself. I needed the introspection. I needed time away. It was there I decided to take advantage of a totally unexpected offer from a former coworker. He would help transition me into Hawaii should I want to move. Out of the blue. Or did I ask for that? *grins* Wheels set in motion on a beach that day.
This very day last year (2007) I suffered a stroke at work. While minor in severity, it left pointed reminders of life’s fragile nature. I still struggle with very short term memory lapses. Finishing a sentence can be incredibly difficult some days. So although I had already decided to move, this event hurled me forward with greater intensity. I had to…
I believed with all my heart that a change n scenery, in altitude, in climate, and away from the noise of familiarity was the only way to Tend the Garden, so to speak. That Garden is Me.
Part of what I’m doing here is tapping into something more creative by tuning myself to better perceive what I want and what is presented. Perhaps I could have accomplished the same staying in Colorado. Don’t rightly know. There are many days when my heart aches for that familiarity and a very special lover….But, I do know that I find creativity not only in the silence between the beats, but mostly on the beach where waves roll in the background. Where the sun warms my body and mind. Where the sand is fine and soft. Where I receive gifts from the Mother…The Ocean. There is a fluidity here on many levels that soothes me. The time was right. A few weeks ago, a special friend remarked on how well I “fit” here. He told me if God were to decide to drop me anywhere…it would be where I’m at right now. *smile*
I want this little stretch of beach to remain a quiet, peaceful place were I can relax into it and tend my garden.
Aloha and Namaste,
26 April 2010
Note: I’ve been back from Hawaii for almost a year after living there for nearly two long and lonely years. Most of that time was in the solitude of my head. It was good. It was bad. It was enlightening. It was one hell of an adventure. I have a real love / hate relationship with Hawaii. I have much less of a hate relationship with myself and my life.
I leave these posts having categories of “Tending the Garden”, “Adventures in Paradise”, and “Lost in Paradise” to chronicle my thoughts about and my life in Hawaii as a very long dream, and where I once again found my soul. I know I left a part of my soul there too. One day I will go gather it up and bring it home. I know where it is on Waimanalo Beach.
These *are* what it is to be *there*. I know the shots in the vids like the back of my hand.Each. And. Every. One. The beach shots are Waimanalo. I know where he sat as I did the same; thousands of hours spent but never wasted contemplating the the sounds and the smells, sunrise over the ocean where magic springs to life. Yes, in Paradise and Somewhere Over the Rainbow.